The New Normal

I have been a mom of 3 boys for 8 WHOLE WEEKS! It's been a little crazy at times, but I have to say this has been a smooth transition for us.  I have gotten more sleep that I was anticipating, so that is a nice surprise.  Warren has just fit right into our little house of chaos.  I should have a really long thought out blog post about his birth and first days.  But I don't really. His birth was a C-Section that was planned, and it all went smoothly.  So no crazy water breaking crazy story there.  I wanted to blog about how amazing the first few weeks of his life have been, but to be honest it's been so busy that I don't even know what to type.  I may ramble.

 He was born on September 18th.  He was a perfect 6lbs 8 oz and 18 inches.  I was pretty shocked at his small size, since my older boys were well over 8lbs.  There were 2 knots in his umbilical cord, which was the talk of the OR for a few minutes. I was too caught up in the moment to pay attention to the chatter going on.  But we were told more than once that we were lucky to be holding him, as knots can cause some serious complications.  I had my tubes tied while they were cleaning him up, which my doctor informed me was a good thing because my uterus was so thin he could see through it.  Having my tubes tied was a decision I wrestled a little bit with.  I worried I would regret it, but I feel very confident in that decision now knowing another pregnancy would be risky.

I had such high hopes of breastfeeding this little guy.  But after attempting to breastfeed my other boys and failing, I knew there was a chance it wouldn't happen.  But none the less, I proclaimed to the doctors and nurses that I was breastfeeding.  So when he was born we did the whole skin to skin thing in the Operating Room.  Which I did not get to do with my other boys, and it was amazing.  I loved being able to touch him and feel him when he was just minutes old.  Once I was moved into recovery we got right down to nursing.  He latched right on and we were doing great.  He wanted to eat pretty often and I was tolerating it well.  I had horrible pain with my others, but not with Warren.  Friday evening I mentioned to the nurses that he was wanting to nurse ALL.THE.TIME.  Like I could not put the boy down.  I also noticed that I was not able to express any colostrum like I had before. The nurse assured me that he was getting all that he needed.  So I let him nurse as much as he wanted.  As the evening went on we noticed that he became very jittery.  After his circumcision the pediatrician came in and told us that his sugar had dipped down into the 40s, which was 'borderline'.  She wanted to keep checking it throughout the night.  It didn't seem like a huge deal, so we nursed on.  After a couple more sugar tests we were informed that his sugar was not coming up at all.  I had told the night nurse my concerns with not getting any colostrum out, and she said he is getting it out even if I wasn't.  But after 3 failed glucose tests the pediatrician said to start supplementing.  So I started feeding him with a syringe first then I would let him nurse.  The supplementing seemed to be working.  So Saturday we were told that we would most likely get to go home.  We were hoping to be discharged around 2pm.  But Warren became very jittery and his sugar dropped to 34.  3 different pediatricians came to talk to me in a span of about 15 minutes.

They all wanted keep an eye on his sugar.  But before they even got a chance to check it again we were visited again and told that they were moving him to NICU so they could figure out what was going on.  Of course, I kind of lost it at that point.  I was a hot mess.  Dustin wasn't even in the room when I fell apart.  I had to call him to come back to the room.  We walked with the nurse as she wheeled our little boy up to the NICU and I sat in a chair while the team worked to try and get an IV in.  I was asked several times if I wanted to come back later once they had it in.  But I was pretty insistent that I was staying with my baby.  Every vein they tried failed. After what seemed like an eternity they finally got an IV going in his head.  By this point every bit of my pain meds had worn off. I was alone up in NICU at this point.  I had stayed as long as I could because of my pain.  I somehow walked back to my room, but I was hunched over by the time I made it to the nurses station and asked for my medicine.  I collapsed into my bed and cried.  I hated being in that empty room.  It was too quiet. After I rested and ate dinner we went back up to NICU to see how Warren was doing.  The nurse told us what all was being done for him.  He was severely dehydrated and his sugar was slowly coming up.  They had put him on a high calorie formula and started him off at 30cc's.  I wasn't able to nurse him because they wanted to keep track of how much he was getting for his glucose tests. So I was told to pump every 2-3 hours.  I stayed and held him for a long time.  I finally went back to my room for the night.  I didn't like it. But I got some much needed sleep. When we went back the next morning we were told that his sugar was staying in the 80s and he was doing much better. We were moved to a transition room later on Sunday evening and we were discharged on Monday around 12.

I was still wanting to breastfeed but at this point I was mostly pumping so we could make sure he was getting enough.  But my milk had not fully came in so he was still just getting formula. I was getting less than half an oz of breast milk from pumping.  I was just excited to see any milk to be honest.  I never had milk with my oldest and with my 2nd I got sick after having him and my milk dried up really quickly.  So once the pediatrician gave me the OK to try breastfeeding again we were back at it. I quickly found out that I was not producing enough for him.  He was not satisfied after nursing for what seemed like forever. I was having to give him a bottle after he nursed.  I read online how to increase my supply.  The next 4 weeks were insane. I tried everything.  Fenugreek, Mothers Milk Tea, Fennel Oil, Reglan, More Milk Plus....Power Pumping. You name it I probably tried it.  At 5 weeks PP I was only able to pump 2 oz at the most and that was only if I didn't nurse him.  If he nursed I wasn't able to get any extra out.  I had started just pumping and giving him formula and breast milk.  Pumping had taken over.  I spent more time with the pump than I did with my family.  When I realized how much time I was spending attached to a pump I decided to just stop. I have been grieving giving up the whole breastfeeding thing for a few weeks. I had really high hopes this time, as I knew it was my last time to try.  But I am finally getting out of this funk and moving forward.

Aside from the failure of breastfeeding, things have gone really really well.  He is a very chill baby.  He does like for me to hold him and just stare at him.  I try to soak every bit of him in as I know that this stage does not last long at all.  His big brothers are crazy about him and he is just such a wonderful little addition to our family.

The Things They Don't Tell You About Parenting.

I'm sitting in bed with my youngest little boy and watching disney jr.  Part of my heart feels like it's been ripped open, while the other part is happy that I get to snuggle with him.  Today was his first day of Kindergarten.  It's not even 2 p.m. and he's home.  His first day didn't go as well as we hoped.  He got so homesick and cried and cried to go home.  Which just rips my heart out.  Knowing that my baby was crying for me and I wasn't there cuts me to the core. Especially when this little boy has not had the easiest time in school anyways.

I'm pretty sure I could be the poster mom for having imperfect kids.  Neither of my boys have been what you would call 'typical'.  With my oldest having Asperger's and ADHD and my youngest being non verbal until he was 4...I have been through all the channels of special education and resource teachers and therapists.  It's been one crazy ride with these little boys.  When your pregnant for the first time no one warns you that you might have a child who is born completely healthy but struggle as they get older.  When people see my family out at a restaurant they see what appears to be a completely typical family.  They have no idea the challenges my babies have faced.  My boys appear to be like any other typical little boys.  They don't know that we have sat in therapy offices for multiple reasons. They aren't aware that for a good chunk of time we communicated with our youngest through sign language, or that my oldest can meltdown if the conditions change too quickly for his brain to process.  We appear to be typical.

And just when I think we may have crossed the hurdles that have challenged us for so long, something else is thrown into our path.  My oldest really has improved and while his days are far from perfect, he is doing pretty well.  He just started 1st grade and we are hoping that he has a great year.  We have an IEP in place for him with things put in place for him if he has a difficult time.  And then here sits my baby, who isn't really ready for Kindergarten, but we decided to try it anyways. He had 2 years of PreK, what else was there to do? I had him enrolled in a full time PreK for this year, it was a typical classroom.  He has never been in a typical classroom.  Because of his speech issues he was in a developmental preschool.  Which was AMAZING for him.  I fell in love with the school he attended and the teachers he had.  But I knew he wasn't really prepared for regular Kindergarten.  And today when I had to go get him early  my fears were confirmed.  I know a lot of people may say 'it was his first day...give it time', but even the teacher agrees that he isn't really ready.  He just turned 5 last month.  He has only been speaking for 1 year.  And in my heart I knew he should have had an extra year to mature a little.

So we had originally planned on him going to a PreK that was in with the City Schools.  I had even paid for his first week and they had him on their list. I met the teacher...toured the school.  I was informed before school let out of the summer that the School Board had changed the rules regarding PreK and kids who meet the cut off for Kindergarten can no longer attend City Preschools.  I was pretty upset at first.  But after a lot of venting and tears, I registered my baby for Kindergarten and told myself that everything would work out.  If he had to repeat Kindergarten then so be it. But now we are faced with deciding what to do with him for the rest of the year. Do we keep him in Kindergarten but opt for 1/2 days and without a doubt he will have to repeat Kindergarten. Or do we pull him out and put him in a private PreK.

These decisions no one tells you about. No one sits you down when your carrying your precious baby in your belly and tells you how unbelievably hard parenting can be.  They don't tell you how you will doubt the decisions you make or how much you'll regret ignoring your gut feeling.  They don't tell you that there will be days when your heart will feel absolutely crushed and nothing that anyone says will make it better.  Today seems to be one of those days.  These crazy pregnancy hormones are not helping at all.

Hello 3rd Trimester!

I am so thankful to be into this trimester! I must admit this whole 3rd trimester really came up quick.  Things have been going really great on the baby growing front. My belly is growing every week.  My heartburn seems to have calmed down as long as I don't eat huge meals at one time.  The only real complaint I have right now is the hip pain.  My hips feel like they may fall off at any given moment.  It's worse at night when I try to sleep.  But compared to the horrible symptoms of the 1st trimester...this is a walk in the park!

 I am loving my pregnant self right now.  I always grow a pretty big belly during pregnancy, and this one is no exception.  I am very round and I love it.  My belly isn't as pretty as it was with my boys, it's covered in stretch marks and hangs a bit lower this time. But this belly has grown some awesome little boys and I love it for that.  I may never wear a revealing bikini ever, but that went out the window after I had Eli.  :) Most days I feel pretty massive and I am getting to the uncomfortable stage, but I know how quickly my due date will come up, so I am trying to enjoy every moment.  I love feeling this little guy kick and move.  It's kind of bittersweet feeling it all. I know that this is our last baby and I won't feel these precious movements again after he gets here.  So I try to savor each one.




We did the 3D ultrasounds with both of our boys, so I thought we should do one this time. I went back and forth on whether or not we should do it. I finally made our appointment and we went to it today.  I have been dying to see this little guy's face.  And I mean who doesn't love an ultrasound?! We went after my regular doctors appointment.  I had the glucose test this morning, and had not ate much at all, so by the time we got to the ultrasound place I was so hungry.  Warren was pretty lazy and not amused by our attempts at getting a picture of him.  He kept trying to turn over and go to sleep. He also kept putting his hands up in his face.  But we finally mashed him enough to get him to cooperate a little! And he is such a cute little boy! I see a lot of his brothers' features in him. But I mostly see Eli in him.  It's pretty amazing to see such similarities between the 3 of them.

Baby Books...

So I held off on buying a baby book until today.  I have been meaning to pick one up for weeks because I have all of these ultrasound pictures and no where to put them.  I didn't want one too babyish or frilly, so I picked a light blue book.  It looked pretty plain and not too cutesy.  So I started flipping through it and I was quickly reminded of what a slacker I am.  I seriously think these book companies need to make baby books for NEW FIRST TIME MOMS and then one for 2nd time moms and then one for moms of more than 2 kids.  Because let's face it...after a couple of kids your not going to fill all that stuff out.

I mean most of the books out there are perfect for the first time moms.  I remember filling out each page for Eli's baby book. I wrote the letter to him while I was still pregnant and wrote all my feelings about his impending arrival.  I filled out many of the 'first milestones' and added lots of pictures of his first year.  Fast forward to when I had Zack.  I put all his ultrasound pictures inside the book...not actually where they were supposed to go I just stuck them in the book.  I filled out his name, weight and date of birth.  I filled out his first doctors visit info.  After that it's pretty bare.  I may have stuck a couple of pictures from his first days...like in the hospital.  So the books that are out there are fine for 1st and some 2nd time parents.  But there needs to be a very small thin book made for parents of more than 2 kids. This needs to just be a book with one of those little plastic zip lock envelopes to stick ultrasound pictures in and maybe a few pages to fill out about the birth.  Mainly 'Name, Date, Weight, Length'.  Nothing more really needs to be included because the chances that you'll actually remember or have time to fill it out is pretty slim.  I mean who has time to write down 'you first focused your eyes on.....'  What the heck...I don't even know how to tell when  a baby FOCUSES it's eyes. I mean I'm not actually looking thru their eyes. And I really don't remember when either of my kids 'grasped an object' for the first time. Who has the time or memory for this stuff?! I mean those firsts are very sweet and lovely if you remember them. But juggling more than 2 kids...your memory starts slipping. At the moment I only have 2 to take care of and my memory SUCKS.  I can't even remember SNACK day for my kindergartner and they send home a calendar to remind me.

This book I bought...it's pretty much setting me up for failure. :)

2nd Trimester Awesomeness

I LOVE being in the 2nd trimester.  It's my favorite part of pregnancy. After months of being so sick that I wanted to just quit life in general, this new fun part of pregnancy is very much welcomed.  But I admit that I am one LAZY pregnant person.  And I will tell you why. This is my last pregnancy.  As much as I know that I am done after this little guy gets here, there is something bittersweet about knowing I'll never experience this again.  So while there is laundry to do, toys to be picked up, messes to be cleaned, when I sit down and start feeling little kicks and movements...I just sit and enjoy it.  I may sit for 15 minutes or an hour.  Because in 16 short weeks I will be holding a baby and I'll never get to feel this again.

I know I should probably be doing so much more with my time, but it can wait.  I'm enjoying this amazing little baby moving inside of me.  I'll vacuum in the morning...

Welcome to the Club.

I've shared this on my facebook once or twice. But I thought it would be great to share on here as well.  Enjoy...and try not to cry ;) For those of us walking this walk with our kiddos...it can feel overwhelming at times but it will be OK. For both of my boys..

My Aspie who insists on wearing green. every.single.day <3

And my Zack who surprised every speech therapist and teacher who has worked with him.

They are my everything. They are teaching me to celebrate all victories no matter how small they may seem!

Welcome to the Club

 by Jess at Diary of a Mom

I am so sorry for your pain.

Don’t worry; no one else sees it, I promise. To the rest of the world, you’re fine. But when you’ve been there, you can’t miss it.

I see it in your eyes. That awful, combustible mixture of heart-wrenching pain and abject fear.... I remember the fear.

I see it in the weight of that invisible cloak that you wear. I remember the coarseness of its fabric on my skin. Like raw wool in the middle of the desert. You see, it was mine for a time.

I never would have wanted to pass it on to you, my love. I remember so well suffocating under the weight of it, struggling for breath, fighting to throw it off while wrapping myself in its awful warmth, clutching its worn edges for dear life.

I know that it feels like it’s permanent, fixed. But one day down the line you will wake up and find that you’ve left it next to the bed. Eventually, you’ll hang it in the closet. You’ll visit it now and then. You’ll try it on for size. You’ll run your fingers over the fabric and remember when you lived in it, when it was constant, when you couldn’t take it off and leave it behind. But soon days will go by before you wear it again, then weeks, then months.

I know you are staring down what looks to be an impossibly steep learning curve. I know it looks like an immovable mountain. It is not. I know you don’t believe me, but step by step you will climb until suddenly, without warning, you will look down. You will see how far you’ve come. You’ll breathe. I promise. You might even be able to take in the view.

You will doubt yourself. You won’t trust your instincts right away. You will be afraid that you don’t have the capacity to be what your baby will need you to be. Worse, you’ll think that you don’t even know what she needs you to be. You do. I promise. You will.

When you became a mother, you held that tiny baby girl in your arms and in an instant, she filled your heart. You were overwhelmed with love. The kind of love you never expected. The kind that knocks the wind out of you. The kind of all encompassing love that you think couldn’t possibly leave room for any other. But it did.

When your son was born, you looked into those big blue eyes and he crawled right into your heart. He made room for himself, didn’t he? He carved out a space all his own. Suddenly your heart was just bigger. And then again when your youngest was born. She made herself right at home there too.

That’s how it happens. When you need capacity you find it. Your heart expands. It just does. It’s elastic. I promise.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I know you.... I am you.

You will find people in your life who get it and some that don’t. You’ll find some that want to get it and some that never will. You’ll find a closeness with people you never thought you had anything in common with. You’ll find comfort and relief with friends who speak your new language. You’ll find your village.

You’ll change. One day you’ll notice a shift. You’ll realize that certain words have dropped out of your lexicon. The ones you hadn’t ever thought could be hurtful. Dude, that’s retarded. Never again. You won’t laugh at vulnerability. You’ll see the world through a lens of sensitivity. The people around you will notice. You’ll change them too.

You will learn to ask for help. You’ll have to. It won’t be easy. You’ll forget sometimes. Life will remind you.

You will read more than you can process. You’ll buy books that you can’t handle reading. You’ll feel guilty that they’re sitting by the side of the bed unopened. Take small bites. The information isn’t going anywhere. Let your heart heal. It will. Breathe. You can.

You will blame yourself. You’ll think you missed signs you should have seen. You’ll be convinced that you should have known. That you should have somehow gotten help earlier. You couldn’t have known. Don’t let yourself live there for long.

You will dig deep and find reserves of energy you never would have believed you had. You will run on adrenaline and crash into dreamless sleep. But you will come through it. I swear, you will. You will find a rhythm.

You will neglect yourself. You will suddenly realize that you haven’t stopped moving. You’ve missed the gym. You’ve taken care of everyone but you. You will forget how important it is to take care of yourself. Listen to me. If you hear nothing else, hear this. You MUST take care of yourself. You are no use to anyone unless you are healthy. I mean that holistically, my friend. HEALTHY. Nourished, rested, soul-fed. Your children deserve that example.

A friend will force you to take a walk. You will go outside. You will look at the sky. Follow the clouds upward. Try to find where they end. You’ll need that. You’ll need the air. You’ll need to remember how small we all really are.

You will question your faith. Or find it. Maybe both.

You will never, ever take progress for granted. Every milestone met, no matter what the timing, will be cause for celebration. Every baby step will be a quantum leap. You will find the people who understand that. You will revel in their support and love and shared excitement.

You will encounter people who care for your child in ways that restore your faith in humanity. You will cherish the teachers and therapists and caregivers who see past your child’s challenges and who truly understand her strengths. They will feel like family.

You will examine and re-examine every one of your own insecurities. You will recognize some of your child’s challenges as your own. You will get to know yourself as you get to know your child. You will look to the tools you have used to mitigate your own challenges. You will share them. You will both be better for it.

You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

You will worry about your other children. You will feel like you’re not giving them enough time. You will find the time. Yes, you will. No, really. You will. You will discover that the time that means something to them is not big. It’s not a trip to the circus. It doesn’t involve planning. It’s free. You will forget the dog and pony shows. Instead, you will find fifteen minutes before bed. You will close the door. You will sit on the floor. You’ll play Barbies with your daughter or Legos with your son. You’ll talk. You’ll listen. You’ll listen some more. You’ll start to believe they’ll be OK. And they will. You will be a better parent for all of it.

You will find the tools that you need. You will take bits and pieces of different theories and practices. You’ll talk to parents and doctors and therapists. You’ll take something from each of them. You’ll even find value in those you don’t agree with at all. Sometimes the most. From the scraps that you gather, you will start to build your child’s quilt. A little of this, a little of that, a lot of love.

You will speak hesitantly at first, but you’ll find your voice. You will come to see that no one knows your child better than you do. You will respectfully listen to the experts in each field. You will value their experience and their knowledge. But you will ultimately remember that while they are the experts in science, you are the expert in your child.

You will think you can’t handle it. You will be wrong.

This is not an easy road, but its rewards are tremendous. It’s joys are the very sweetest of life’s nectar. You will drink them in and taste and smell and feel every last drop of them.

You will be OK.

You will help your sweet girl be far better than OK. You will show her boundless love. She will know that she is accepted and cherished and celebrated for every last morsel of who she is. She will know that her Mama’s there at every turn. She will believe in herself as you believe in her. She will astound you. Over and over and over again. She will teach you far more than you teach her. She will fly.

You will be OK.

We're ALMOST There...

School is almost is over!!! We have almost survived the first year of actual school! My youngest finished with preschool a couple of weeks ago.  While I am over here doing my happy dance because in a few short days I will no longer have to get up and make a pb&j while I am still half asleep or drop him off wearing yoga pants, unshaven legs and a Johnny Depp t-shirt, I'm also a little terrifed.  I mean they are going to be home ALL.DAY.LONG.  And this isn't just spring break people...its for ALL OF SUMMER.  My husband is excited...he can take the boys to breakfast. *yay* I'm left here all day to entertain them.  It's easy at first..a few trips to the park and bounce house place.  But after about 2 weeks the excitement wears off and I'm too tired to even think about loading them up and heading out somewhere. Let's just stay home and watch Spongebob today...we'll call it Chill Out Thursday!!

But seriously, summer is exciting! I get to sleep in...the kids get to wake up at 6am every day sleep in. We get to go swimming and play outside! I can't wait. But right now we are struggling to make it through this last week!  Yesterday I got an email because my dear sweet child spit on another kid that was teasing him.  I calmly looked him in the eyes and just said 'buddy, we are in the homestretch...we are ALMOST there.  Let's just hold it together this last week. I know the kid was making fun of you, but you still can't spit on him...use our words.'  He got the message. I'm just as exhausted with these kids as he is.  The ones who are nice to him when he brings a cool toy, but never let him play with them on the playground.  The ones who tease him because he isn't as big as they are, or punch him then deny it when the teacher confronts them.  I'm tired of them too.  So I am excited that my kiddo gets however many weeks it is without these kids tormenting him.

He has had a good Kindergarten year.  It hasn't been perfect. I have gotten a few phone calls, emails and letters home.  But for the most part....it's been a really great year.  I wish I could say that I was that super over achiever mom who went to every party and school function.  I'm so not.  I missed the open house for his class, therefore missing ALL the information about the parties. Open house was before school even started and all the parties were already planned and people signed up then to bring food and all. So I heard about the parties in the monthly letter home...after they already happened. <supermom> I also only attended a few school functions.  I barely made it to the Mother's Day Tea, because my invitation somehow was sent to Jeff Gordon.  I'm serious.  The entire class made these over the top elaborate invites to their moms for this tea party thing.  My sweet child never brought mine home. He didn't write 'Mommy' on the outside of the envelope...nope he didn't invite the one person who carried him for 9 long months and let him bounce on my bladder.  He wrote Jeff Gordon on the outside. I still have no idea where that invite went. For all I know he stuck it in the mail box and the mail lady got a good laugh! I found out via text message from one of the moms who DID attend the open house, asking if I was going.  Apparently this Mothers Day thing is a BIG DEAL! So I went...and when I realized all these sweet kids wrote books about their moms and they were going to be read aloud...sheer panic.  I'm not kidding I started sweating. What had he wrote about me?!  He was so excited that I was there, he didn't even notice that Jeff Gordon was absent.  All the other kids wrote these adorable books about how their moms tuck them in every night, read them a story or my personal favorite 'My mom is OSOME.'  <----Yep that's some awesome 6 year old spelling. Dude, it sounds like that...it should be spelled like it. If not for spell checker most of my words would be like that! The teacher had Eli read like at the very end...you know to add to the suspense of what he had put in that book about me. I mean I am sure I was like pale and shaking when he stepped up the microphone. It started out innocent enough.  He said I liked purple....and pink and red.  And that I liked to eat pickles...and then...My mommy LOVES to lay in the bed!  I am sure my face turned 1,000 shades of red. Because what he neglected to add was that 'My mommy has been puking her guts out for 5 months because she is pregnant with my baby brother.'  That would have went nicely after that sentence.

So, we are nearing the end and I kept getting these little green papers home in his folder asking for volunteers for field day. One of the jobs was to pull around a cart full of water for the duration of the day. Um...let me think about that...NO THANKS.  I didn't sign up for anything. And then Eli started talking about field day.  It started out as 'I don't want to go to field day.'  It then quickly escalated to 'I'm NOT GOING to field day!" I asked him why he didn't want to go and he looked at me like I was an idiot, "It's an ENTIRE day of PE, mommy!  It is going to be AWFUL."  I mean I couldn't really argue with him, staying outside in the hot sun running and sweating...it's not my cup of tea either.  But I tried to make it sound fun, there was going to be inflatables! That didn't really appeal to him, all he kept saying  was 'there's a race they are MAKING ME DO!'  This is where my therapy training kicks in, all the therapists are always giving me tips for him. So, I took a deep breath and told him that we all have to do things that we don't really want to do. It's part of life...and that just sends him into hysterics.  He starts 'PLEASE don't make me go!!! Can't you pick me up!?!'  Well, technically I could after 11:46, but your class is doing the very first half of the day so it wouldn't help.  Lucky for him, he spiked a fever this evening. Field day is tomorrow! He was so excited to be sick, until he actually started feeling really bad once his fever escalated to 101.3.  But he still remained optimistic muttering 'at least I get to miss field day!'  I have to admit I am relieved too.

Bring it on Summer....

It's Spring....FINALLY!

Yeah...I know spring actually started back in March.  But it actually FEELS like Spring now!  I have gotten sunburned at the park and spent evenings sitting outside while my boys play.  It's AHHHH-Mazing.  Oh how I have missed the kids playing outside.  We have spent the entire winter cooped up in this house and passing germs, from whatever virus is circulating, back and forth. We were in dire need of some fresh air!   I am loving this weather and so are my boys.

 We found out a couple of weeks ago that we will be adding another little boy to our family! If your on my fb then you probably already knew ;) I am so excited about having a house full of boys!  My hubby really wanted a little girl and both the boys wanted a sister.  But God has blessed us with this amazing little boy and I couldn't be happier.  The ultrasound was so amazing.  It wasn't a medical one, so they didn't do any measurements or tell me he looked perfect or anything along those lines.  But seeing him just melted my heart.  Even at 15 weeks, when he looks a little alien-ish, he was just so perfect to me.

So now I get to start planning everything for this little guy.  We have a lot of organizing and moving of furniture to get done before September.

Pink or Blue?!

No...I don't know the gender of this baby yet. I just wanted you to open this and read it.  I have been asked so many times during this pregnancy if I want a boy or girl.  I always hesitate on answering.  Is there a part of me that secretly longs for dance classes and gymnastics? Is there a feeling that I am missing out on something great by not purchasing head bands with flowers the size of a basketball? I would lie if I said no.  There is a part of me that longs to have a little girl...I mean who doesn't LOVE the disney princess movies? But (there's always a but) I don't want to 'hope' for one gender over the other.

The baby that is growing inside of me is perfect.  It doesn't matter what gender it is.  It's my baby and I already love it for whatever it turns out to be.  I have said many times that I never want to feel disappointed in the gender of my kids.  I never want to hear 'It's a....' and feel disappointment.  God is blessing me with this amazing little life to watch grow and love on.  Boy or girl...it doesn't matter to me.  The only thing I pray for is the health of this baby.  Every day that I am allowed to carry this little life is a blessing.

'Be truly glad.  There is wonderful joy ahead.' 

1 Peter 1:6

Bidding Farewell to the 1st Trimester...

I am still here. My blogging life has taken a hiatus as I have been either puking or lying in the bed whining about feeling like I may puke at any moment.  In between those wonderful activities I have been going to school and driving my 2 crazies to all their appointments.  Exhausted isn't even a word that can describe how I have felt lately.  But alas, all of this is paying off.  I am in my 12th week of pregnancy and I am nearing the end of this dreadful first trimester.  I really don't want to complain about it too much, because I am thankful to still be carrying this little baby.  With every bout of morning sickness comes a bit of relief because in the back of my mind I hear 'your still pregnant...puking is a good sign.'

With my first pregnancy I didn't understand the gratefulness for pregnancy symptoms.  I just knew I felt bad.  It wasn't until I lost our baby that I missed waking up sick.  So, for all the times I have felt horrible this time around...I am very very thankful.  We had our last ultrasound at 8wks 5days.  The baby had a wonderful heartbeat at 174.  I am going back to the dr this thursday for my 13wk checkup.  Nothing too exciting though.  If I remember right, it's just to hear the heartbeat on the doppler :)  I am looking forward to hearing it though, as it always eases my mind a bit.  This is a scary time for me during a pregnancy. I wasn't much further along than this when I started to miscarry our first baby.  Most people will say your 'out of the woods' once you hit 13 weeks, but I don't ever feel that way until I can feel the baby moving pretty regularly.  I try not to stress too much tho and just put my trust in my Father's hand.


Enough about the pregnancy.  We took the boys to the wilderness over spring break, and had a great time together. Eli tried a lot of new things and that always makes me happy.  Getting him to try new things can be very challenging but he is doing so well.  I also signed Eli up for an art class that meets on Wednesdays after school.  I took him 2 weeks ago. I just sent him in and took Zack outside to play.  When it was time I went in and got him and we left.  A week later the teacher called me to tell me that if I wanted to continue to bring him that I would have to stay in there with him.  FIRST...I understand her point of view. I really really do.  But it also felt like someone punched me in the stomach at first.  Eli has not been able to play any sports or do any kinds of 'normal' activities.  He is not in any school programs.  He does not go to VBS because he can't handle the craziness of it all without melting down.  I thought an Art class would be perfect for him because he loves to draw and do crafts.  But he is also hard to get to focus, especially when he is excited.  So I do see where the teacher is coming from. But it didn't keep me from bawling.  It's just one more reminder that he does not fit in.  There are times that I feel like we are doing well and we a completely normal family.  Then something happens and I am reminded that we can't always do 'normal' activities with him.  And it isn't a great feeling.  I haven't decided whether or not I want to take him back.

Pregnancy Week # ?????

I am so confused on what week of pregnancy I am on. According to all the cute little tickers I should be on my 7th week. But my last ultrasound was iffy on the dates. So I won't really know until my next appointment. It's a little frustrating to say the least. But this post is not about that. It is more about how miserable I feel right now. I know .... I shouldn't complain.  All of these hellish I mean wonderful symptoms are a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.  But I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like a wimp. I mean this isn't my first pregnancy. I have done this before...several times before. This is my 5th pregnancy....FIVE.  I should not be this phased by these crazy hormones.  But I am.  I am so sick. I am so emotional...I find myself getting absolutely furious over the craziest things.  I am in a constant annoyed state of my messy house, but I feel too bad to actually do anything about it.

Here are my symptoms listed in the order in which they suck:

1. Nausea...this is not your normal morning sickness. I am sick from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until I pass out at night time.

2. Bloated.  I look like I'm 6 months pregnant....my baby is the size of a sunflower seed. NOT amused.

3. Emotional.  Don't get me started *sniff*

4. My boobs HURT.  I believe they may just fall off.

5. My hair is FALLING OUT. What is that all about?

6. Acne.....on my back. Last I checked I wasn't 15. So what gives?!



I don't think I am 'glowing' just yet LOL I pretty much look like death every day! But really...I am so happy to feeling this crappy. I know that if I wasn't having these symptoms I'd be worried to death that something was wrong.  I am still worried about it, just because I'm so early and so many things can happen.  But the nausea is keeping me distracted from letting my mind wander to all those scary thoughts! I can't wait to see how much this baby has grown. My next appt is on the 18th, and I am hoping this next week flies by.

I'm Trusting.

It has been such a roller coaster of a day. I have been so nauseated all day.  I had my first ultrasound for this pregnancy.  I should be elated.  And I am happy. I got to get a glimpse at the little life that is growing inside of me. I was so blessed to see a tiny little flickering heartbeat.  It was tiny, but gives me so much hope.  With each pregnancy I worry about the very real possibility of miscarriage.  Once you have been down that path it's hard not to worry.  It's even harder when you have done it twice.  Seeing the heartbeat does ease my mind a lot. I am trying my hardest not to let my mind wander.  My baby is tiny. Much smaller than I thought it would be. I should have been 6 weeks and 1 day but the computer wouldn't even give an estimate.  I am hoping that I am just earlier than I thought.  I get to go back in a couple of weeks and have another ultrasound. I know my God is able to do mighty things.

Here on the potter's wheel, 
I find myself once more, 
My faults and frailties Bring me here just like before, 
With strong and loving hands The pressure is applied, 
Oft times I tremble as He puts me thru the fire
 I'll trust the potter's hands, He knows what's best for me, 
He has a perfect plan These human eyes can't see, 
He's the potter; I'm the clay, 
He knows just how much I can take,
 When I face the fire again I'll trust the potter's hands 


http://christiansongoftheday.blogspot.com/2012/07/ill-trust-potters-hands.html#sthash.4VSu5Z4B.dpuf

Big News.

So we are expecting #3!!! We are so excited to be having another baby.  Our boys are getting so big and it will be so much fun to have a little one again.  I have had blood work done and we are going on the 30th for an ultrasound.  So much excitement going on here.  But also lots of things to think about. We are starting to figure out about bedrooms and where to put everyone to sleep.  I also am doing an mental inventory of the baby items that I still have.  Just a lot of thinking of what we may need.  All of this I expected. What I didn't expect was the reaction from people that I have gotten.

I kind of expected people to be a little more candid about their shock/disapproval. LOL Most of the people who know us are happy, or at least can pretend to be.  I get it...3 kids is probably more than other people think we should have. I know I just have to get tougher skin and I am. It's a slow process.  But it started growing over the last 2 years while dealing with Eli's issues.    

But I am happy.  I cannot wait to have another newborn to love on. I have always wanted a 3rd child.  I have said in the past that I was done having kids. But I blame a lot of that on how I let other people's opinions affect me.  It is easy to say 'ignore them' but to actually do it is much harder. It's hard to ignore the stares and shaking heads.  For the first 5 years of my parenting experience I got to hear everyone's opinion on what I was doing wrong with Eli.  How I should stop his behaviors.  I let the stares and whispers of others make me feel like less of a parent.  Once I stopped letting the stares bother me I started to feel more confident as a mother. Once I learned to pull Eli aside and zone out the rest of the world while I dealt with his meltdowns, I learned how to listen to my child's needs.  I was not always able to fix whatever was bothering him. But I learned from them.  I started to notice when and what triggered them.  I stopped caring what other people thought of us.  And it was amazing how much higher I was able to hold my head when we would walk out of a movie theater that he had previously freaked out in.

I also started accepting help.  I realize that I am only one person. And sometimes it's okay to ask someone for help when nothing I have done has worked.  Sometimes people will surprise you.  I have to mention having a great support system helps as well.  My strongest support has came from therapists, teachers, counselors and doctors...who all hold a special place in my heart.  These are the people who sat with me while I cried and begged for their guidance.  They are the ones who told me there is some hope and that my situation was not hopeless.  Sometimes I look back and think of how crazy I must have looked at an initial intake with mascara running down my face and puffy eyes. But I was blessed with amazing therapists and all.  They didn't call me crazy.  They didn't patronize me.  They took my concerns seriously and gave me ideas of how to cope with what we were dealing with.  For that I am so thankful. They didn't look down on me or call me a bad parent.  They saw me, a mom who was desperately trying to figure out how to help her child.

And friends who see past the meltdowns and quirkiness of my Eli.  Instead they see him...they see a kid who just experiences this world a little differently and they see me, a mom who is trying just like them to raise her child the best that I know how.  I am so thankful for the amazing friends who keep having play dates with us even when the last one didn't go so well.  The friends who I can call and just rant to about anything. These friendships keep me sane.

*sigh* I am not perfect. I lose my cool pretty much everyday.  I don't always keep my patience with my boys. My husband is witness to that.  But I love them with everything in me.  And we are so happy and thankful for this pregnancy.  We cannot wait to meet the child that God has blessed us with.  So YAY...another little person to celebrate and love. Who wouldn't be happy about that?!