The Things They Don't Tell You About Parenting.

I'm sitting in bed with my youngest little boy and watching disney jr.  Part of my heart feels like it's been ripped open, while the other part is happy that I get to snuggle with him.  Today was his first day of Kindergarten.  It's not even 2 p.m. and he's home.  His first day didn't go as well as we hoped.  He got so homesick and cried and cried to go home.  Which just rips my heart out.  Knowing that my baby was crying for me and I wasn't there cuts me to the core. Especially when this little boy has not had the easiest time in school anyways.

I'm pretty sure I could be the poster mom for having imperfect kids.  Neither of my boys have been what you would call 'typical'.  With my oldest having Asperger's and ADHD and my youngest being non verbal until he was 4...I have been through all the channels of special education and resource teachers and therapists.  It's been one crazy ride with these little boys.  When your pregnant for the first time no one warns you that you might have a child who is born completely healthy but struggle as they get older.  When people see my family out at a restaurant they see what appears to be a completely typical family.  They have no idea the challenges my babies have faced.  My boys appear to be like any other typical little boys.  They don't know that we have sat in therapy offices for multiple reasons. They aren't aware that for a good chunk of time we communicated with our youngest through sign language, or that my oldest can meltdown if the conditions change too quickly for his brain to process.  We appear to be typical.

And just when I think we may have crossed the hurdles that have challenged us for so long, something else is thrown into our path.  My oldest really has improved and while his days are far from perfect, he is doing pretty well.  He just started 1st grade and we are hoping that he has a great year.  We have an IEP in place for him with things put in place for him if he has a difficult time.  And then here sits my baby, who isn't really ready for Kindergarten, but we decided to try it anyways. He had 2 years of PreK, what else was there to do? I had him enrolled in a full time PreK for this year, it was a typical classroom.  He has never been in a typical classroom.  Because of his speech issues he was in a developmental preschool.  Which was AMAZING for him.  I fell in love with the school he attended and the teachers he had.  But I knew he wasn't really prepared for regular Kindergarten.  And today when I had to go get him early  my fears were confirmed.  I know a lot of people may say 'it was his first day...give it time', but even the teacher agrees that he isn't really ready.  He just turned 5 last month.  He has only been speaking for 1 year.  And in my heart I knew he should have had an extra year to mature a little.

So we had originally planned on him going to a PreK that was in with the City Schools.  I had even paid for his first week and they had him on their list. I met the teacher...toured the school.  I was informed before school let out of the summer that the School Board had changed the rules regarding PreK and kids who meet the cut off for Kindergarten can no longer attend City Preschools.  I was pretty upset at first.  But after a lot of venting and tears, I registered my baby for Kindergarten and told myself that everything would work out.  If he had to repeat Kindergarten then so be it. But now we are faced with deciding what to do with him for the rest of the year. Do we keep him in Kindergarten but opt for 1/2 days and without a doubt he will have to repeat Kindergarten. Or do we pull him out and put him in a private PreK.

These decisions no one tells you about. No one sits you down when your carrying your precious baby in your belly and tells you how unbelievably hard parenting can be.  They don't tell you how you will doubt the decisions you make or how much you'll regret ignoring your gut feeling.  They don't tell you that there will be days when your heart will feel absolutely crushed and nothing that anyone says will make it better.  Today seems to be one of those days.  These crazy pregnancy hormones are not helping at all.