The Things They Don't Tell You About Parenting.

I'm sitting in bed with my youngest little boy and watching disney jr.  Part of my heart feels like it's been ripped open, while the other part is happy that I get to snuggle with him.  Today was his first day of Kindergarten.  It's not even 2 p.m. and he's home.  His first day didn't go as well as we hoped.  He got so homesick and cried and cried to go home.  Which just rips my heart out.  Knowing that my baby was crying for me and I wasn't there cuts me to the core. Especially when this little boy has not had the easiest time in school anyways.

I'm pretty sure I could be the poster mom for having imperfect kids.  Neither of my boys have been what you would call 'typical'.  With my oldest having Asperger's and ADHD and my youngest being non verbal until he was 4...I have been through all the channels of special education and resource teachers and therapists.  It's been one crazy ride with these little boys.  When your pregnant for the first time no one warns you that you might have a child who is born completely healthy but struggle as they get older.  When people see my family out at a restaurant they see what appears to be a completely typical family.  They have no idea the challenges my babies have faced.  My boys appear to be like any other typical little boys.  They don't know that we have sat in therapy offices for multiple reasons. They aren't aware that for a good chunk of time we communicated with our youngest through sign language, or that my oldest can meltdown if the conditions change too quickly for his brain to process.  We appear to be typical.

And just when I think we may have crossed the hurdles that have challenged us for so long, something else is thrown into our path.  My oldest really has improved and while his days are far from perfect, he is doing pretty well.  He just started 1st grade and we are hoping that he has a great year.  We have an IEP in place for him with things put in place for him if he has a difficult time.  And then here sits my baby, who isn't really ready for Kindergarten, but we decided to try it anyways. He had 2 years of PreK, what else was there to do? I had him enrolled in a full time PreK for this year, it was a typical classroom.  He has never been in a typical classroom.  Because of his speech issues he was in a developmental preschool.  Which was AMAZING for him.  I fell in love with the school he attended and the teachers he had.  But I knew he wasn't really prepared for regular Kindergarten.  And today when I had to go get him early  my fears were confirmed.  I know a lot of people may say 'it was his first day...give it time', but even the teacher agrees that he isn't really ready.  He just turned 5 last month.  He has only been speaking for 1 year.  And in my heart I knew he should have had an extra year to mature a little.

So we had originally planned on him going to a PreK that was in with the City Schools.  I had even paid for his first week and they had him on their list. I met the teacher...toured the school.  I was informed before school let out of the summer that the School Board had changed the rules regarding PreK and kids who meet the cut off for Kindergarten can no longer attend City Preschools.  I was pretty upset at first.  But after a lot of venting and tears, I registered my baby for Kindergarten and told myself that everything would work out.  If he had to repeat Kindergarten then so be it. But now we are faced with deciding what to do with him for the rest of the year. Do we keep him in Kindergarten but opt for 1/2 days and without a doubt he will have to repeat Kindergarten. Or do we pull him out and put him in a private PreK.

These decisions no one tells you about. No one sits you down when your carrying your precious baby in your belly and tells you how unbelievably hard parenting can be.  They don't tell you how you will doubt the decisions you make or how much you'll regret ignoring your gut feeling.  They don't tell you that there will be days when your heart will feel absolutely crushed and nothing that anyone says will make it better.  Today seems to be one of those days.  These crazy pregnancy hormones are not helping at all.

Hello 3rd Trimester!

I am so thankful to be into this trimester! I must admit this whole 3rd trimester really came up quick.  Things have been going really great on the baby growing front. My belly is growing every week.  My heartburn seems to have calmed down as long as I don't eat huge meals at one time.  The only real complaint I have right now is the hip pain.  My hips feel like they may fall off at any given moment.  It's worse at night when I try to sleep.  But compared to the horrible symptoms of the 1st trimester...this is a walk in the park!

 I am loving my pregnant self right now.  I always grow a pretty big belly during pregnancy, and this one is no exception.  I am very round and I love it.  My belly isn't as pretty as it was with my boys, it's covered in stretch marks and hangs a bit lower this time. But this belly has grown some awesome little boys and I love it for that.  I may never wear a revealing bikini ever, but that went out the window after I had Eli.  :) Most days I feel pretty massive and I am getting to the uncomfortable stage, but I know how quickly my due date will come up, so I am trying to enjoy every moment.  I love feeling this little guy kick and move.  It's kind of bittersweet feeling it all. I know that this is our last baby and I won't feel these precious movements again after he gets here.  So I try to savor each one.




We did the 3D ultrasounds with both of our boys, so I thought we should do one this time. I went back and forth on whether or not we should do it. I finally made our appointment and we went to it today.  I have been dying to see this little guy's face.  And I mean who doesn't love an ultrasound?! We went after my regular doctors appointment.  I had the glucose test this morning, and had not ate much at all, so by the time we got to the ultrasound place I was so hungry.  Warren was pretty lazy and not amused by our attempts at getting a picture of him.  He kept trying to turn over and go to sleep. He also kept putting his hands up in his face.  But we finally mashed him enough to get him to cooperate a little! And he is such a cute little boy! I see a lot of his brothers' features in him. But I mostly see Eli in him.  It's pretty amazing to see such similarities between the 3 of them.

Baby Books...

So I held off on buying a baby book until today.  I have been meaning to pick one up for weeks because I have all of these ultrasound pictures and no where to put them.  I didn't want one too babyish or frilly, so I picked a light blue book.  It looked pretty plain and not too cutesy.  So I started flipping through it and I was quickly reminded of what a slacker I am.  I seriously think these book companies need to make baby books for NEW FIRST TIME MOMS and then one for 2nd time moms and then one for moms of more than 2 kids.  Because let's face it...after a couple of kids your not going to fill all that stuff out.

I mean most of the books out there are perfect for the first time moms.  I remember filling out each page for Eli's baby book. I wrote the letter to him while I was still pregnant and wrote all my feelings about his impending arrival.  I filled out many of the 'first milestones' and added lots of pictures of his first year.  Fast forward to when I had Zack.  I put all his ultrasound pictures inside the book...not actually where they were supposed to go I just stuck them in the book.  I filled out his name, weight and date of birth.  I filled out his first doctors visit info.  After that it's pretty bare.  I may have stuck a couple of pictures from his first days...like in the hospital.  So the books that are out there are fine for 1st and some 2nd time parents.  But there needs to be a very small thin book made for parents of more than 2 kids. This needs to just be a book with one of those little plastic zip lock envelopes to stick ultrasound pictures in and maybe a few pages to fill out about the birth.  Mainly 'Name, Date, Weight, Length'.  Nothing more really needs to be included because the chances that you'll actually remember or have time to fill it out is pretty slim.  I mean who has time to write down 'you first focused your eyes on.....'  What the heck...I don't even know how to tell when  a baby FOCUSES it's eyes. I mean I'm not actually looking thru their eyes. And I really don't remember when either of my kids 'grasped an object' for the first time. Who has the time or memory for this stuff?! I mean those firsts are very sweet and lovely if you remember them. But juggling more than 2 kids...your memory starts slipping. At the moment I only have 2 to take care of and my memory SUCKS.  I can't even remember SNACK day for my kindergartner and they send home a calendar to remind me.

This book I bought...it's pretty much setting me up for failure. :)

2nd Trimester Awesomeness

I LOVE being in the 2nd trimester.  It's my favorite part of pregnancy. After months of being so sick that I wanted to just quit life in general, this new fun part of pregnancy is very much welcomed.  But I admit that I am one LAZY pregnant person.  And I will tell you why. This is my last pregnancy.  As much as I know that I am done after this little guy gets here, there is something bittersweet about knowing I'll never experience this again.  So while there is laundry to do, toys to be picked up, messes to be cleaned, when I sit down and start feeling little kicks and movements...I just sit and enjoy it.  I may sit for 15 minutes or an hour.  Because in 16 short weeks I will be holding a baby and I'll never get to feel this again.

I know I should probably be doing so much more with my time, but it can wait.  I'm enjoying this amazing little baby moving inside of me.  I'll vacuum in the morning...

Welcome to the Club.

I've shared this on my facebook once or twice. But I thought it would be great to share on here as well.  Enjoy...and try not to cry ;) For those of us walking this walk with our kiddos...it can feel overwhelming at times but it will be OK. For both of my boys..

My Aspie who insists on wearing green. every.single.day <3

And my Zack who surprised every speech therapist and teacher who has worked with him.

They are my everything. They are teaching me to celebrate all victories no matter how small they may seem!

Welcome to the Club

 by Jess at Diary of a Mom

I am so sorry for your pain.

Don’t worry; no one else sees it, I promise. To the rest of the world, you’re fine. But when you’ve been there, you can’t miss it.

I see it in your eyes. That awful, combustible mixture of heart-wrenching pain and abject fear.... I remember the fear.

I see it in the weight of that invisible cloak that you wear. I remember the coarseness of its fabric on my skin. Like raw wool in the middle of the desert. You see, it was mine for a time.

I never would have wanted to pass it on to you, my love. I remember so well suffocating under the weight of it, struggling for breath, fighting to throw it off while wrapping myself in its awful warmth, clutching its worn edges for dear life.

I know that it feels like it’s permanent, fixed. But one day down the line you will wake up and find that you’ve left it next to the bed. Eventually, you’ll hang it in the closet. You’ll visit it now and then. You’ll try it on for size. You’ll run your fingers over the fabric and remember when you lived in it, when it was constant, when you couldn’t take it off and leave it behind. But soon days will go by before you wear it again, then weeks, then months.

I know you are staring down what looks to be an impossibly steep learning curve. I know it looks like an immovable mountain. It is not. I know you don’t believe me, but step by step you will climb until suddenly, without warning, you will look down. You will see how far you’ve come. You’ll breathe. I promise. You might even be able to take in the view.

You will doubt yourself. You won’t trust your instincts right away. You will be afraid that you don’t have the capacity to be what your baby will need you to be. Worse, you’ll think that you don’t even know what she needs you to be. You do. I promise. You will.

When you became a mother, you held that tiny baby girl in your arms and in an instant, she filled your heart. You were overwhelmed with love. The kind of love you never expected. The kind that knocks the wind out of you. The kind of all encompassing love that you think couldn’t possibly leave room for any other. But it did.

When your son was born, you looked into those big blue eyes and he crawled right into your heart. He made room for himself, didn’t he? He carved out a space all his own. Suddenly your heart was just bigger. And then again when your youngest was born. She made herself right at home there too.

That’s how it happens. When you need capacity you find it. Your heart expands. It just does. It’s elastic. I promise.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I know you.... I am you.

You will find people in your life who get it and some that don’t. You’ll find some that want to get it and some that never will. You’ll find a closeness with people you never thought you had anything in common with. You’ll find comfort and relief with friends who speak your new language. You’ll find your village.

You’ll change. One day you’ll notice a shift. You’ll realize that certain words have dropped out of your lexicon. The ones you hadn’t ever thought could be hurtful. Dude, that’s retarded. Never again. You won’t laugh at vulnerability. You’ll see the world through a lens of sensitivity. The people around you will notice. You’ll change them too.

You will learn to ask for help. You’ll have to. It won’t be easy. You’ll forget sometimes. Life will remind you.

You will read more than you can process. You’ll buy books that you can’t handle reading. You’ll feel guilty that they’re sitting by the side of the bed unopened. Take small bites. The information isn’t going anywhere. Let your heart heal. It will. Breathe. You can.

You will blame yourself. You’ll think you missed signs you should have seen. You’ll be convinced that you should have known. That you should have somehow gotten help earlier. You couldn’t have known. Don’t let yourself live there for long.

You will dig deep and find reserves of energy you never would have believed you had. You will run on adrenaline and crash into dreamless sleep. But you will come through it. I swear, you will. You will find a rhythm.

You will neglect yourself. You will suddenly realize that you haven’t stopped moving. You’ve missed the gym. You’ve taken care of everyone but you. You will forget how important it is to take care of yourself. Listen to me. If you hear nothing else, hear this. You MUST take care of yourself. You are no use to anyone unless you are healthy. I mean that holistically, my friend. HEALTHY. Nourished, rested, soul-fed. Your children deserve that example.

A friend will force you to take a walk. You will go outside. You will look at the sky. Follow the clouds upward. Try to find where they end. You’ll need that. You’ll need the air. You’ll need to remember how small we all really are.

You will question your faith. Or find it. Maybe both.

You will never, ever take progress for granted. Every milestone met, no matter what the timing, will be cause for celebration. Every baby step will be a quantum leap. You will find the people who understand that. You will revel in their support and love and shared excitement.

You will encounter people who care for your child in ways that restore your faith in humanity. You will cherish the teachers and therapists and caregivers who see past your child’s challenges and who truly understand her strengths. They will feel like family.

You will examine and re-examine every one of your own insecurities. You will recognize some of your child’s challenges as your own. You will get to know yourself as you get to know your child. You will look to the tools you have used to mitigate your own challenges. You will share them. You will both be better for it.

You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

You will worry about your other children. You will feel like you’re not giving them enough time. You will find the time. Yes, you will. No, really. You will. You will discover that the time that means something to them is not big. It’s not a trip to the circus. It doesn’t involve planning. It’s free. You will forget the dog and pony shows. Instead, you will find fifteen minutes before bed. You will close the door. You will sit on the floor. You’ll play Barbies with your daughter or Legos with your son. You’ll talk. You’ll listen. You’ll listen some more. You’ll start to believe they’ll be OK. And they will. You will be a better parent for all of it.

You will find the tools that you need. You will take bits and pieces of different theories and practices. You’ll talk to parents and doctors and therapists. You’ll take something from each of them. You’ll even find value in those you don’t agree with at all. Sometimes the most. From the scraps that you gather, you will start to build your child’s quilt. A little of this, a little of that, a lot of love.

You will speak hesitantly at first, but you’ll find your voice. You will come to see that no one knows your child better than you do. You will respectfully listen to the experts in each field. You will value their experience and their knowledge. But you will ultimately remember that while they are the experts in science, you are the expert in your child.

You will think you can’t handle it. You will be wrong.

This is not an easy road, but its rewards are tremendous. It’s joys are the very sweetest of life’s nectar. You will drink them in and taste and smell and feel every last drop of them.

You will be OK.

You will help your sweet girl be far better than OK. You will show her boundless love. She will know that she is accepted and cherished and celebrated for every last morsel of who she is. She will know that her Mama’s there at every turn. She will believe in herself as you believe in her. She will astound you. Over and over and over again. She will teach you far more than you teach her. She will fly.

You will be OK.

We're ALMOST There...

School is almost is over!!! We have almost survived the first year of actual school! My youngest finished with preschool a couple of weeks ago.  While I am over here doing my happy dance because in a few short days I will no longer have to get up and make a pb&j while I am still half asleep or drop him off wearing yoga pants, unshaven legs and a Johnny Depp t-shirt, I'm also a little terrifed.  I mean they are going to be home ALL.DAY.LONG.  And this isn't just spring break people...its for ALL OF SUMMER.  My husband is excited...he can take the boys to breakfast. *yay* I'm left here all day to entertain them.  It's easy at first..a few trips to the park and bounce house place.  But after about 2 weeks the excitement wears off and I'm too tired to even think about loading them up and heading out somewhere. Let's just stay home and watch Spongebob today...we'll call it Chill Out Thursday!!

But seriously, summer is exciting! I get to sleep in...the kids get to wake up at 6am every day sleep in. We get to go swimming and play outside! I can't wait. But right now we are struggling to make it through this last week!  Yesterday I got an email because my dear sweet child spit on another kid that was teasing him.  I calmly looked him in the eyes and just said 'buddy, we are in the homestretch...we are ALMOST there.  Let's just hold it together this last week. I know the kid was making fun of you, but you still can't spit on him...use our words.'  He got the message. I'm just as exhausted with these kids as he is.  The ones who are nice to him when he brings a cool toy, but never let him play with them on the playground.  The ones who tease him because he isn't as big as they are, or punch him then deny it when the teacher confronts them.  I'm tired of them too.  So I am excited that my kiddo gets however many weeks it is without these kids tormenting him.

He has had a good Kindergarten year.  It hasn't been perfect. I have gotten a few phone calls, emails and letters home.  But for the most part....it's been a really great year.  I wish I could say that I was that super over achiever mom who went to every party and school function.  I'm so not.  I missed the open house for his class, therefore missing ALL the information about the parties. Open house was before school even started and all the parties were already planned and people signed up then to bring food and all. So I heard about the parties in the monthly letter home...after they already happened. <supermom> I also only attended a few school functions.  I barely made it to the Mother's Day Tea, because my invitation somehow was sent to Jeff Gordon.  I'm serious.  The entire class made these over the top elaborate invites to their moms for this tea party thing.  My sweet child never brought mine home. He didn't write 'Mommy' on the outside of the envelope...nope he didn't invite the one person who carried him for 9 long months and let him bounce on my bladder.  He wrote Jeff Gordon on the outside. I still have no idea where that invite went. For all I know he stuck it in the mail box and the mail lady got a good laugh! I found out via text message from one of the moms who DID attend the open house, asking if I was going.  Apparently this Mothers Day thing is a BIG DEAL! So I went...and when I realized all these sweet kids wrote books about their moms and they were going to be read aloud...sheer panic.  I'm not kidding I started sweating. What had he wrote about me?!  He was so excited that I was there, he didn't even notice that Jeff Gordon was absent.  All the other kids wrote these adorable books about how their moms tuck them in every night, read them a story or my personal favorite 'My mom is OSOME.'  <----Yep that's some awesome 6 year old spelling. Dude, it sounds like that...it should be spelled like it. If not for spell checker most of my words would be like that! The teacher had Eli read like at the very end...you know to add to the suspense of what he had put in that book about me. I mean I am sure I was like pale and shaking when he stepped up the microphone. It started out innocent enough.  He said I liked purple....and pink and red.  And that I liked to eat pickles...and then...My mommy LOVES to lay in the bed!  I am sure my face turned 1,000 shades of red. Because what he neglected to add was that 'My mommy has been puking her guts out for 5 months because she is pregnant with my baby brother.'  That would have went nicely after that sentence.

So, we are nearing the end and I kept getting these little green papers home in his folder asking for volunteers for field day. One of the jobs was to pull around a cart full of water for the duration of the day. Um...let me think about that...NO THANKS.  I didn't sign up for anything. And then Eli started talking about field day.  It started out as 'I don't want to go to field day.'  It then quickly escalated to 'I'm NOT GOING to field day!" I asked him why he didn't want to go and he looked at me like I was an idiot, "It's an ENTIRE day of PE, mommy!  It is going to be AWFUL."  I mean I couldn't really argue with him, staying outside in the hot sun running and sweating...it's not my cup of tea either.  But I tried to make it sound fun, there was going to be inflatables! That didn't really appeal to him, all he kept saying  was 'there's a race they are MAKING ME DO!'  This is where my therapy training kicks in, all the therapists are always giving me tips for him. So, I took a deep breath and told him that we all have to do things that we don't really want to do. It's part of life...and that just sends him into hysterics.  He starts 'PLEASE don't make me go!!! Can't you pick me up!?!'  Well, technically I could after 11:46, but your class is doing the very first half of the day so it wouldn't help.  Lucky for him, he spiked a fever this evening. Field day is tomorrow! He was so excited to be sick, until he actually started feeling really bad once his fever escalated to 101.3.  But he still remained optimistic muttering 'at least I get to miss field day!'  I have to admit I am relieved too.

Bring it on Summer....

It's Spring....FINALLY!

Yeah...I know spring actually started back in March.  But it actually FEELS like Spring now!  I have gotten sunburned at the park and spent evenings sitting outside while my boys play.  It's AHHHH-Mazing.  Oh how I have missed the kids playing outside.  We have spent the entire winter cooped up in this house and passing germs, from whatever virus is circulating, back and forth. We were in dire need of some fresh air!   I am loving this weather and so are my boys.

 We found out a couple of weeks ago that we will be adding another little boy to our family! If your on my fb then you probably already knew ;) I am so excited about having a house full of boys!  My hubby really wanted a little girl and both the boys wanted a sister.  But God has blessed us with this amazing little boy and I couldn't be happier.  The ultrasound was so amazing.  It wasn't a medical one, so they didn't do any measurements or tell me he looked perfect or anything along those lines.  But seeing him just melted my heart.  Even at 15 weeks, when he looks a little alien-ish, he was just so perfect to me.

So now I get to start planning everything for this little guy.  We have a lot of organizing and moving of furniture to get done before September.