These Days are Numbered

I realize that I am way behind on blogging. These days I feel overwhelmed more times than not.  And surprisingly it is not from the stress of a new baby or the stress from having 3 kids to take care of. It's more from the realization that the days that I have with these little creatures are fleeting.  The days that I thought were never ending quickly slipped through my fingers.  They left without warning and left me wondering how I ended up with a 7 and 5 year old. Weren't they just babies? Wasn't I just asking for advice on potty training or trying to wean one from a pacifier? How did they grow up so fast on me?

While in the thick of sleepless nights, colic, tantrums, doctor appointments, colds, stomach viruses, potty training and first days of preschool somehow my babies grew up on me. And it all happened when I wasn't looking. It happened when I was trying to keep the house organized or trying to get one more thing done for work.  The times I shoo'd them away to go play and let me have 5 more minutes, it all happened so fast.  The times I promised myself that I would be a better mom...tomorrow, but tonight they need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier. The nights I promised I'd read another book...tomorrow night.  Those promises were quickly forgotten the next day and the story was never read or the cookies went unbaked.  Those days seemed endless, stressful and just overwhelming. There were days I would sit and cry with them both, wondering if I would ever get the hang of this Mommy thing.  I would go to bed feeling guilty because I had put them off all day, promising to play in a few minutes.  "Just let Mommy get this last thing finished..." I didn't do it on purpose or because I wanted to hurt their feelings, it's just life happens and things come up and sometimes the important things get pushed to the side.

I'm being so completely raw with this post.  I'm exposing some of my biggest failures as a mother.  I have put meaningless things above spending quality time with the most precious gifts that I have ever been given.  But I think it is something that almost all parents are guilty of.  It is hard to balance life sometimes.  And I didn't even realize I was doing it, until I had Warren. When I held his tiny body and I looked at my big boys it hit me.  They are so big now.  I didn't savor the time I had with them as babies.  I'm not soaking in the time I have with them now like I should.  I am not enjoying them the way I should be.  I need to unplug, hang up and go play legos.  I need to grab another book at bedtime and read it like it's the first time, not the 900th.  I need to not rush the bedtime prayers and let Zack thank God for every single person he has ever laid eyes on. I need to go see that picture he drew, because if I keep saying 'just a minute...' he may stop asking.  If I keep putting off that 2nd book at bedtime he may not ask me to read them tomorrow night.  There is a last time for every single stage of parenting, and many times we don't even realize it was the last time until it's over.  I don't remember the last time I rocked them to sleep because I was too busy trying to get them to fall asleep on their own. I didn't savor and relish that last rock, or smell their hair and drink in the sweet sweet smell of baby before they turned into little boys.

So I am officially making a New Year's Resolution. It isn't to lose this pregnancy weight, or start eating healthier.  Although, I need to do that too. But instead my resolution is to try and appreciate these days, no matter how stressful or overwhelming they may seem.  I want to play battleship with Eli and drag out 900 socks with Zack, because one day they won't want to do these things with me anymore. I will sit and hold Warren if that's what it takes for him to get a nap.  And I won't complain about getting up with him through the night, because these days are numbered. They are fleeting...slipping through my fingers like grains of sand never to be gotten back.

The New Normal

I have been a mom of 3 boys for 8 WHOLE WEEKS! It's been a little crazy at times, but I have to say this has been a smooth transition for us.  I have gotten more sleep that I was anticipating, so that is a nice surprise.  Warren has just fit right into our little house of chaos.  I should have a really long thought out blog post about his birth and first days.  But I don't really. His birth was a C-Section that was planned, and it all went smoothly.  So no crazy water breaking crazy story there.  I wanted to blog about how amazing the first few weeks of his life have been, but to be honest it's been so busy that I don't even know what to type.  I may ramble.

 He was born on September 18th.  He was a perfect 6lbs 8 oz and 18 inches.  I was pretty shocked at his small size, since my older boys were well over 8lbs.  There were 2 knots in his umbilical cord, which was the talk of the OR for a few minutes. I was too caught up in the moment to pay attention to the chatter going on.  But we were told more than once that we were lucky to be holding him, as knots can cause some serious complications.  I had my tubes tied while they were cleaning him up, which my doctor informed me was a good thing because my uterus was so thin he could see through it.  Having my tubes tied was a decision I wrestled a little bit with.  I worried I would regret it, but I feel very confident in that decision now knowing another pregnancy would be risky.

I had such high hopes of breastfeeding this little guy.  But after attempting to breastfeed my other boys and failing, I knew there was a chance it wouldn't happen.  But none the less, I proclaimed to the doctors and nurses that I was breastfeeding.  So when he was born we did the whole skin to skin thing in the Operating Room.  Which I did not get to do with my other boys, and it was amazing.  I loved being able to touch him and feel him when he was just minutes old.  Once I was moved into recovery we got right down to nursing.  He latched right on and we were doing great.  He wanted to eat pretty often and I was tolerating it well.  I had horrible pain with my others, but not with Warren.  Friday evening I mentioned to the nurses that he was wanting to nurse ALL.THE.TIME.  Like I could not put the boy down.  I also noticed that I was not able to express any colostrum like I had before. The nurse assured me that he was getting all that he needed.  So I let him nurse as much as he wanted.  As the evening went on we noticed that he became very jittery.  After his circumcision the pediatrician came in and told us that his sugar had dipped down into the 40s, which was 'borderline'.  She wanted to keep checking it throughout the night.  It didn't seem like a huge deal, so we nursed on.  After a couple more sugar tests we were informed that his sugar was not coming up at all.  I had told the night nurse my concerns with not getting any colostrum out, and she said he is getting it out even if I wasn't.  But after 3 failed glucose tests the pediatrician said to start supplementing.  So I started feeding him with a syringe first then I would let him nurse.  The supplementing seemed to be working.  So Saturday we were told that we would most likely get to go home.  We were hoping to be discharged around 2pm.  But Warren became very jittery and his sugar dropped to 34.  3 different pediatricians came to talk to me in a span of about 15 minutes.

They all wanted keep an eye on his sugar.  But before they even got a chance to check it again we were visited again and told that they were moving him to NICU so they could figure out what was going on.  Of course, I kind of lost it at that point.  I was a hot mess.  Dustin wasn't even in the room when I fell apart.  I had to call him to come back to the room.  We walked with the nurse as she wheeled our little boy up to the NICU and I sat in a chair while the team worked to try and get an IV in.  I was asked several times if I wanted to come back later once they had it in.  But I was pretty insistent that I was staying with my baby.  Every vein they tried failed. After what seemed like an eternity they finally got an IV going in his head.  By this point every bit of my pain meds had worn off. I was alone up in NICU at this point.  I had stayed as long as I could because of my pain.  I somehow walked back to my room, but I was hunched over by the time I made it to the nurses station and asked for my medicine.  I collapsed into my bed and cried.  I hated being in that empty room.  It was too quiet. After I rested and ate dinner we went back up to NICU to see how Warren was doing.  The nurse told us what all was being done for him.  He was severely dehydrated and his sugar was slowly coming up.  They had put him on a high calorie formula and started him off at 30cc's.  I wasn't able to nurse him because they wanted to keep track of how much he was getting for his glucose tests. So I was told to pump every 2-3 hours.  I stayed and held him for a long time.  I finally went back to my room for the night.  I didn't like it. But I got some much needed sleep. When we went back the next morning we were told that his sugar was staying in the 80s and he was doing much better. We were moved to a transition room later on Sunday evening and we were discharged on Monday around 12.

I was still wanting to breastfeed but at this point I was mostly pumping so we could make sure he was getting enough.  But my milk had not fully came in so he was still just getting formula. I was getting less than half an oz of breast milk from pumping.  I was just excited to see any milk to be honest.  I never had milk with my oldest and with my 2nd I got sick after having him and my milk dried up really quickly.  So once the pediatrician gave me the OK to try breastfeeding again we were back at it. I quickly found out that I was not producing enough for him.  He was not satisfied after nursing for what seemed like forever. I was having to give him a bottle after he nursed.  I read online how to increase my supply.  The next 4 weeks were insane. I tried everything.  Fenugreek, Mothers Milk Tea, Fennel Oil, Reglan, More Milk Plus....Power Pumping. You name it I probably tried it.  At 5 weeks PP I was only able to pump 2 oz at the most and that was only if I didn't nurse him.  If he nursed I wasn't able to get any extra out.  I had started just pumping and giving him formula and breast milk.  Pumping had taken over.  I spent more time with the pump than I did with my family.  When I realized how much time I was spending attached to a pump I decided to just stop. I have been grieving giving up the whole breastfeeding thing for a few weeks. I had really high hopes this time, as I knew it was my last time to try.  But I am finally getting out of this funk and moving forward.

Aside from the failure of breastfeeding, things have gone really really well.  He is a very chill baby.  He does like for me to hold him and just stare at him.  I try to soak every bit of him in as I know that this stage does not last long at all.  His big brothers are crazy about him and he is just such a wonderful little addition to our family.

The Things They Don't Tell You About Parenting.

I'm sitting in bed with my youngest little boy and watching disney jr.  Part of my heart feels like it's been ripped open, while the other part is happy that I get to snuggle with him.  Today was his first day of Kindergarten.  It's not even 2 p.m. and he's home.  His first day didn't go as well as we hoped.  He got so homesick and cried and cried to go home.  Which just rips my heart out.  Knowing that my baby was crying for me and I wasn't there cuts me to the core. Especially when this little boy has not had the easiest time in school anyways.

I'm pretty sure I could be the poster mom for having imperfect kids.  Neither of my boys have been what you would call 'typical'.  With my oldest having Asperger's and ADHD and my youngest being non verbal until he was 4...I have been through all the channels of special education and resource teachers and therapists.  It's been one crazy ride with these little boys.  When your pregnant for the first time no one warns you that you might have a child who is born completely healthy but struggle as they get older.  When people see my family out at a restaurant they see what appears to be a completely typical family.  They have no idea the challenges my babies have faced.  My boys appear to be like any other typical little boys.  They don't know that we have sat in therapy offices for multiple reasons. They aren't aware that for a good chunk of time we communicated with our youngest through sign language, or that my oldest can meltdown if the conditions change too quickly for his brain to process.  We appear to be typical.

And just when I think we may have crossed the hurdles that have challenged us for so long, something else is thrown into our path.  My oldest really has improved and while his days are far from perfect, he is doing pretty well.  He just started 1st grade and we are hoping that he has a great year.  We have an IEP in place for him with things put in place for him if he has a difficult time.  And then here sits my baby, who isn't really ready for Kindergarten, but we decided to try it anyways. He had 2 years of PreK, what else was there to do? I had him enrolled in a full time PreK for this year, it was a typical classroom.  He has never been in a typical classroom.  Because of his speech issues he was in a developmental preschool.  Which was AMAZING for him.  I fell in love with the school he attended and the teachers he had.  But I knew he wasn't really prepared for regular Kindergarten.  And today when I had to go get him early  my fears were confirmed.  I know a lot of people may say 'it was his first day...give it time', but even the teacher agrees that he isn't really ready.  He just turned 5 last month.  He has only been speaking for 1 year.  And in my heart I knew he should have had an extra year to mature a little.

So we had originally planned on him going to a PreK that was in with the City Schools.  I had even paid for his first week and they had him on their list. I met the teacher...toured the school.  I was informed before school let out of the summer that the School Board had changed the rules regarding PreK and kids who meet the cut off for Kindergarten can no longer attend City Preschools.  I was pretty upset at first.  But after a lot of venting and tears, I registered my baby for Kindergarten and told myself that everything would work out.  If he had to repeat Kindergarten then so be it. But now we are faced with deciding what to do with him for the rest of the year. Do we keep him in Kindergarten but opt for 1/2 days and without a doubt he will have to repeat Kindergarten. Or do we pull him out and put him in a private PreK.

These decisions no one tells you about. No one sits you down when your carrying your precious baby in your belly and tells you how unbelievably hard parenting can be.  They don't tell you how you will doubt the decisions you make or how much you'll regret ignoring your gut feeling.  They don't tell you that there will be days when your heart will feel absolutely crushed and nothing that anyone says will make it better.  Today seems to be one of those days.  These crazy pregnancy hormones are not helping at all.

Hello 3rd Trimester!

I am so thankful to be into this trimester! I must admit this whole 3rd trimester really came up quick.  Things have been going really great on the baby growing front. My belly is growing every week.  My heartburn seems to have calmed down as long as I don't eat huge meals at one time.  The only real complaint I have right now is the hip pain.  My hips feel like they may fall off at any given moment.  It's worse at night when I try to sleep.  But compared to the horrible symptoms of the 1st trimester...this is a walk in the park!

 I am loving my pregnant self right now.  I always grow a pretty big belly during pregnancy, and this one is no exception.  I am very round and I love it.  My belly isn't as pretty as it was with my boys, it's covered in stretch marks and hangs a bit lower this time. But this belly has grown some awesome little boys and I love it for that.  I may never wear a revealing bikini ever, but that went out the window after I had Eli.  :) Most days I feel pretty massive and I am getting to the uncomfortable stage, but I know how quickly my due date will come up, so I am trying to enjoy every moment.  I love feeling this little guy kick and move.  It's kind of bittersweet feeling it all. I know that this is our last baby and I won't feel these precious movements again after he gets here.  So I try to savor each one.




We did the 3D ultrasounds with both of our boys, so I thought we should do one this time. I went back and forth on whether or not we should do it. I finally made our appointment and we went to it today.  I have been dying to see this little guy's face.  And I mean who doesn't love an ultrasound?! We went after my regular doctors appointment.  I had the glucose test this morning, and had not ate much at all, so by the time we got to the ultrasound place I was so hungry.  Warren was pretty lazy and not amused by our attempts at getting a picture of him.  He kept trying to turn over and go to sleep. He also kept putting his hands up in his face.  But we finally mashed him enough to get him to cooperate a little! And he is such a cute little boy! I see a lot of his brothers' features in him. But I mostly see Eli in him.  It's pretty amazing to see such similarities between the 3 of them.

Baby Books...

So I held off on buying a baby book until today.  I have been meaning to pick one up for weeks because I have all of these ultrasound pictures and no where to put them.  I didn't want one too babyish or frilly, so I picked a light blue book.  It looked pretty plain and not too cutesy.  So I started flipping through it and I was quickly reminded of what a slacker I am.  I seriously think these book companies need to make baby books for NEW FIRST TIME MOMS and then one for 2nd time moms and then one for moms of more than 2 kids.  Because let's face it...after a couple of kids your not going to fill all that stuff out.

I mean most of the books out there are perfect for the first time moms.  I remember filling out each page for Eli's baby book. I wrote the letter to him while I was still pregnant and wrote all my feelings about his impending arrival.  I filled out many of the 'first milestones' and added lots of pictures of his first year.  Fast forward to when I had Zack.  I put all his ultrasound pictures inside the book...not actually where they were supposed to go I just stuck them in the book.  I filled out his name, weight and date of birth.  I filled out his first doctors visit info.  After that it's pretty bare.  I may have stuck a couple of pictures from his first days...like in the hospital.  So the books that are out there are fine for 1st and some 2nd time parents.  But there needs to be a very small thin book made for parents of more than 2 kids. This needs to just be a book with one of those little plastic zip lock envelopes to stick ultrasound pictures in and maybe a few pages to fill out about the birth.  Mainly 'Name, Date, Weight, Length'.  Nothing more really needs to be included because the chances that you'll actually remember or have time to fill it out is pretty slim.  I mean who has time to write down 'you first focused your eyes on.....'  What the heck...I don't even know how to tell when  a baby FOCUSES it's eyes. I mean I'm not actually looking thru their eyes. And I really don't remember when either of my kids 'grasped an object' for the first time. Who has the time or memory for this stuff?! I mean those firsts are very sweet and lovely if you remember them. But juggling more than 2 kids...your memory starts slipping. At the moment I only have 2 to take care of and my memory SUCKS.  I can't even remember SNACK day for my kindergartner and they send home a calendar to remind me.

This book I bought...it's pretty much setting me up for failure. :)

2nd Trimester Awesomeness

I LOVE being in the 2nd trimester.  It's my favorite part of pregnancy. After months of being so sick that I wanted to just quit life in general, this new fun part of pregnancy is very much welcomed.  But I admit that I am one LAZY pregnant person.  And I will tell you why. This is my last pregnancy.  As much as I know that I am done after this little guy gets here, there is something bittersweet about knowing I'll never experience this again.  So while there is laundry to do, toys to be picked up, messes to be cleaned, when I sit down and start feeling little kicks and movements...I just sit and enjoy it.  I may sit for 15 minutes or an hour.  Because in 16 short weeks I will be holding a baby and I'll never get to feel this again.

I know I should probably be doing so much more with my time, but it can wait.  I'm enjoying this amazing little baby moving inside of me.  I'll vacuum in the morning...

Welcome to the Club.

I've shared this on my facebook once or twice. But I thought it would be great to share on here as well.  Enjoy...and try not to cry ;) For those of us walking this walk with our kiddos...it can feel overwhelming at times but it will be OK. For both of my boys..

My Aspie who insists on wearing green. every.single.day <3

And my Zack who surprised every speech therapist and teacher who has worked with him.

They are my everything. They are teaching me to celebrate all victories no matter how small they may seem!

Welcome to the Club

 by Jess at Diary of a Mom

I am so sorry for your pain.

Don’t worry; no one else sees it, I promise. To the rest of the world, you’re fine. But when you’ve been there, you can’t miss it.

I see it in your eyes. That awful, combustible mixture of heart-wrenching pain and abject fear.... I remember the fear.

I see it in the weight of that invisible cloak that you wear. I remember the coarseness of its fabric on my skin. Like raw wool in the middle of the desert. You see, it was mine for a time.

I never would have wanted to pass it on to you, my love. I remember so well suffocating under the weight of it, struggling for breath, fighting to throw it off while wrapping myself in its awful warmth, clutching its worn edges for dear life.

I know that it feels like it’s permanent, fixed. But one day down the line you will wake up and find that you’ve left it next to the bed. Eventually, you’ll hang it in the closet. You’ll visit it now and then. You’ll try it on for size. You’ll run your fingers over the fabric and remember when you lived in it, when it was constant, when you couldn’t take it off and leave it behind. But soon days will go by before you wear it again, then weeks, then months.

I know you are staring down what looks to be an impossibly steep learning curve. I know it looks like an immovable mountain. It is not. I know you don’t believe me, but step by step you will climb until suddenly, without warning, you will look down. You will see how far you’ve come. You’ll breathe. I promise. You might even be able to take in the view.

You will doubt yourself. You won’t trust your instincts right away. You will be afraid that you don’t have the capacity to be what your baby will need you to be. Worse, you’ll think that you don’t even know what she needs you to be. You do. I promise. You will.

When you became a mother, you held that tiny baby girl in your arms and in an instant, she filled your heart. You were overwhelmed with love. The kind of love you never expected. The kind that knocks the wind out of you. The kind of all encompassing love that you think couldn’t possibly leave room for any other. But it did.

When your son was born, you looked into those big blue eyes and he crawled right into your heart. He made room for himself, didn’t he? He carved out a space all his own. Suddenly your heart was just bigger. And then again when your youngest was born. She made herself right at home there too.

That’s how it happens. When you need capacity you find it. Your heart expands. It just does. It’s elastic. I promise.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. Trust me. I know you.... I am you.

You will find people in your life who get it and some that don’t. You’ll find some that want to get it and some that never will. You’ll find a closeness with people you never thought you had anything in common with. You’ll find comfort and relief with friends who speak your new language. You’ll find your village.

You’ll change. One day you’ll notice a shift. You’ll realize that certain words have dropped out of your lexicon. The ones you hadn’t ever thought could be hurtful. Dude, that’s retarded. Never again. You won’t laugh at vulnerability. You’ll see the world through a lens of sensitivity. The people around you will notice. You’ll change them too.

You will learn to ask for help. You’ll have to. It won’t be easy. You’ll forget sometimes. Life will remind you.

You will read more than you can process. You’ll buy books that you can’t handle reading. You’ll feel guilty that they’re sitting by the side of the bed unopened. Take small bites. The information isn’t going anywhere. Let your heart heal. It will. Breathe. You can.

You will blame yourself. You’ll think you missed signs you should have seen. You’ll be convinced that you should have known. That you should have somehow gotten help earlier. You couldn’t have known. Don’t let yourself live there for long.

You will dig deep and find reserves of energy you never would have believed you had. You will run on adrenaline and crash into dreamless sleep. But you will come through it. I swear, you will. You will find a rhythm.

You will neglect yourself. You will suddenly realize that you haven’t stopped moving. You’ve missed the gym. You’ve taken care of everyone but you. You will forget how important it is to take care of yourself. Listen to me. If you hear nothing else, hear this. You MUST take care of yourself. You are no use to anyone unless you are healthy. I mean that holistically, my friend. HEALTHY. Nourished, rested, soul-fed. Your children deserve that example.

A friend will force you to take a walk. You will go outside. You will look at the sky. Follow the clouds upward. Try to find where they end. You’ll need that. You’ll need the air. You’ll need to remember how small we all really are.

You will question your faith. Or find it. Maybe both.

You will never, ever take progress for granted. Every milestone met, no matter what the timing, will be cause for celebration. Every baby step will be a quantum leap. You will find the people who understand that. You will revel in their support and love and shared excitement.

You will encounter people who care for your child in ways that restore your faith in humanity. You will cherish the teachers and therapists and caregivers who see past your child’s challenges and who truly understand her strengths. They will feel like family.

You will examine and re-examine every one of your own insecurities. You will recognize some of your child’s challenges as your own. You will get to know yourself as you get to know your child. You will look to the tools you have used to mitigate your own challenges. You will share them. You will both be better for it.

You will come to understand that there are gifts in all of this. Tolerance, compassion, understanding. Precious, life altering gifts.

You will worry about your other children. You will feel like you’re not giving them enough time. You will find the time. Yes, you will. No, really. You will. You will discover that the time that means something to them is not big. It’s not a trip to the circus. It doesn’t involve planning. It’s free. You will forget the dog and pony shows. Instead, you will find fifteen minutes before bed. You will close the door. You will sit on the floor. You’ll play Barbies with your daughter or Legos with your son. You’ll talk. You’ll listen. You’ll listen some more. You’ll start to believe they’ll be OK. And they will. You will be a better parent for all of it.

You will find the tools that you need. You will take bits and pieces of different theories and practices. You’ll talk to parents and doctors and therapists. You’ll take something from each of them. You’ll even find value in those you don’t agree with at all. Sometimes the most. From the scraps that you gather, you will start to build your child’s quilt. A little of this, a little of that, a lot of love.

You will speak hesitantly at first, but you’ll find your voice. You will come to see that no one knows your child better than you do. You will respectfully listen to the experts in each field. You will value their experience and their knowledge. But you will ultimately remember that while they are the experts in science, you are the expert in your child.

You will think you can’t handle it. You will be wrong.

This is not an easy road, but its rewards are tremendous. It’s joys are the very sweetest of life’s nectar. You will drink them in and taste and smell and feel every last drop of them.

You will be OK.

You will help your sweet girl be far better than OK. You will show her boundless love. She will know that she is accepted and cherished and celebrated for every last morsel of who she is. She will know that her Mama’s there at every turn. She will believe in herself as you believe in her. She will astound you. Over and over and over again. She will teach you far more than you teach her. She will fly.

You will be OK.