Birthday Parties Suck.

Seriously. There is not one thing I hate more than planning a birthday party. Let me explain...I have 3 boys. Yep 3...go ahead apologize or make that 'awww you poor thing' face. I get it all the time. I actually enjoy my boys. They are loud, crazy and make me laugh constantly. I am pretty sure my middle son is going to be a professional fart noise maker one day. (super proud of his ambitions so far) So, I suck at planning. I'm so not Type A. Which reflects in the birthdays of my kids. I have July 14, August 24 and September 18. Yes...I really did not plan that out well. And do you know what is just a mere 3 months after all these birthday party paloozas are over....CHRISTMAS. Yep. I.am.awesome.

So my fun began in July. My middle turned 6 and asked for...wait for it...LOONEY TUNES. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find Looney Tunes in 2015? I think they stopped making that crap back in 1996. I did manage to find some discounted plates and napkins on a no name party website. I was able to coordinate the balloons and cups around that. The cake was the real challenge. No one...I mean NO ONE makes a Looney Tunes themed cake. And by 'NO ONE' I'm talking Walmart, Sam's, Ingles, Food City. I am too cheap to pay for those fancy fondant cakes. $35 is my cake budget...if your wondering why please re read the previous paragraph. So I explain to the poor girl, who was lucky enough to be working in the bakery 2 days before the party, that I needed a cake that they do not actually make but that I needed them to make. She looked terrified. I ended up saying just make a teal and orange cake. She still seemed a tad confused but I left 85% sure I would have a cake ready on the day of his party. So I still had to find cake toppers. Once again...I stress LOONEY TUNES is the hardest freaking theme. I paid $25 for 5 plastic Looney Tunes characters on Amazon. Yeah that so put me out of my 'cake budget'. GO ME. *sigh* Anyways, this party ended up being super cute. It looked like I totally knew what I was doing. Party #1 was done.





Moving onto Party #2. After begging my almost 8 year old to NOT have a pool party...we had a pool party. I offered everything. Chuck E. Cheese, Wallabies, Hands On!, anything so that I did not have to wear a bathing suit in front of people and expose my pale skin to the sun. I failed. The child who really doesn't even LIKE to swim wanted a pool party. And his requested theme, Pokemon. I admit this party was an easier one to find things for. Which is ironic seeing as it didn't really match AT ALL. I really dropped the ball on this one. I had way more options for plates, cups, napkins, cakes. But I ended up buying 2 packs of small pokemon plates and small cups and 1 pack of napkins. I thought I could just coordinate the colors of red and yellow for the large plates and cups. Can anyone tell me what 2 colors should do for Pokemon? I bought Red and Yellow. WRONG. SO COMPLETELY WRONG. My 8 going on 18 year old informed me that I was supposed to get RED AND WHITE.  But this was the day of the party, so red and yellow it is. I did find pokemon candles that looked much much larger on Amazon than they did when they arrived. I also for some unkown reason ordered an ORANGE AND GREEN cake. Not even close to the colors of anything I bought. I don't even know why. I must have been really stressed out that day I called. I'm pretty sure it was sitting in car line with the baby singing me the song of his people at glass shattering pitches. All that mattered to the kids was that there was water to swim in and cake to eat. BOOM...Party #2 was a mismatched success!

I am currently planning party #3. It is in 4 days. Guess how much prep work I have done...not much. I did purchase a printable download pack on etsy that goes with the theme I wanted for the baby's 1st birthday. I am currently wondering why I do this time after time. This is a party that this child will not remember. I know what your thinking...PICTURES! Yes we all want pictures of these parties. I have exactly 8 combined of the 2 parties I just described. #1 Mom! But seriously I have cut out decorations for about 2 hours. It cost $8.88 for the download, that seems reasonable right? It took me 3 DAYS to figure out how to get the download to actually download. I thought I could do it on my phone or tablet. Nope...has to be a computer. And my laptop had to update when I opened it. Hear that? That's me banging my head on the table and asking why I do this to myself! So downloaded the pack and go to print. The printer is upstairs, and is jammed. I won't go into detail about the things I muttered on that long journey up the stairs. I think I shaved 2 years off my life trying to find the jam inside this printer. I finally gave up and closed all the openings, and as soon as I shut the bottom drawer it started printing. I literally did not DO ANYTHING except open all the possible port things. I didn't unjam anything. But I had my decorations and I headed down to hunt scissors. I found LEFT hand scissors. Why in a house of all Right handed people do we even have these? I don't even have the energy to try and figure that one out. So I get to looking through all these printed pages and I see there are treat bag tags with cute little sayings. And I debate back and forth for a good 10 minutes on whether or not I even want to cut them out and do treat bags. I am pretty opposed to 'goody bags' in general. But since I had already decided not to serve a meal I thought I could throw together some snack bags. I mean I have an entire pantry full of food that my kids tell me the LOOOOVE and HAVE TO HAVE, and then decide 90 seconds later that they don't like it anymore. So after some digging I have enough random snacks for 20 bags. So far....that has been the prep for this party. I haven't decided if I am going to make the cupcakes myself or outsource that. I'm about 99% sure that Walmart will be doing them.

Seriously though, as stressful and unnecessary as this is, I would regret not doing it. Even when my kids pick the most difficult themes, their day only comes around once a year. And it isn't their fault that their mom sucks at planning or that I am not the best at decorating. All the color coordinating and stuff is irrelevant. All that matters is that they are surrounded by their family and friends, and that we get to eat cake! I can't believe that my boys are now 8, 6 and almost 1! I hope they look back and have fond memories of mismatched balloons and cakes and smile a little!

Summer is Upon Us!

I took a hiatus from blogging it seems. Completely unintentional. Life has just kept me busy. It is rare that I am at home sitting at my laptop. I have been living out of my car doing drop offs, pickups, dentist appointments, etc. It is that magical time of year when all the kids are getting out of school and I start to panic. My kids are going to be home every day. All of them. And this is my first summer with 3. 2 bored kids at home was rough last summer. So this should be interesting.

With that said, I am ready for them to get a break from school. They both have worked hard this year. Zack has made some great strides in his writing skills. I am so proud of that boy. If I could just rewind 2 years ago and post a short clip here you would be as amazed as I am at how far he has came. Zack graduated Preschool a couple of days ago, and was such a cutie in his little cap and gown. It was really awesome to have the experience of watching him up on stage with his friends. Eli always had a hard time with things like that, so this was brand new for me. I loved every minute. I tried to soak it in as much as I could. Warren was wiggly and fussy during the program, but we managed like we always do.

Eli has had such a great year in 1st grade. He is such a bright kiddo. He loves to learn and spends his down time at home researching things. He has such a love of knowledge. I hope that continues and I hope the stresses at school do not take away his love of learning. But I can tell that he is agitated and ready for some days spent in his comfort home. He is really getting into sports, not playing them so much, but just liking to talk about them.  He came home from school the other day and was so excited telling me about playing soccer with some friends at school. He got really into it and was passionate giving me details of what happened! He ended it with saying 'It was AWESOME.'  I felt my heart jump a little. I was happy to hear that he was playing with other kids. That other kids let him play with them without the taunting and bullying. But before that feeling could sink in he said 'It would have been REALLY awesome if they would let me kick the ball...just once.'  And there it was...the kick in the stomach. The same one I felt when I enrolled him in art last summer only to have the teacher call me after 1 class and tell me that he couldn't attend unless I stayed in there with him because he was too energetic and wanted to touch everything. These kicks absolutely shatter my heart for my baby. I wish the world could see him the way I see him. Yes, he is challenging and rigid. But he is also one of the sweetest kids on the planet.

So, I am ready for him to be home for a bit. I am planning on keeping us pretty busy though. Because Warren seems to do better when we are on the go. He gets pretty bored sitting at home. He is growing up so fast. I just love this baby. He is content and happy. I love his demeanor. He is fascinated by his brothers and love when they talk to him. He loves for people to smile at him. It just makes his whole face break out in a large grin. He is such a blessing in our house. I could not be happier with my little family. We are complete. I love that feeling. The feeling that we are all here and we can watch our kids grow and enjoy this season.

These Days are Numbered

I realize that I am way behind on blogging. These days I feel overwhelmed more times than not.  And surprisingly it is not from the stress of a new baby or the stress from having 3 kids to take care of. It's more from the realization that the days that I have with these little creatures are fleeting.  The days that I thought were never ending quickly slipped through my fingers.  They left without warning and left me wondering how I ended up with a 7 and 5 year old. Weren't they just babies? Wasn't I just asking for advice on potty training or trying to wean one from a pacifier? How did they grow up so fast on me?

While in the thick of sleepless nights, colic, tantrums, doctor appointments, colds, stomach viruses, potty training and first days of preschool somehow my babies grew up on me. And it all happened when I wasn't looking. It happened when I was trying to keep the house organized or trying to get one more thing done for work.  The times I shoo'd them away to go play and let me have 5 more minutes, it all happened so fast.  The times I promised myself that I would be a better mom...tomorrow, but tonight they need to go to bed 30 minutes earlier. The nights I promised I'd read another book...tomorrow night.  Those promises were quickly forgotten the next day and the story was never read or the cookies went unbaked.  Those days seemed endless, stressful and just overwhelming. There were days I would sit and cry with them both, wondering if I would ever get the hang of this Mommy thing.  I would go to bed feeling guilty because I had put them off all day, promising to play in a few minutes.  "Just let Mommy get this last thing finished..." I didn't do it on purpose or because I wanted to hurt their feelings, it's just life happens and things come up and sometimes the important things get pushed to the side.

I'm being so completely raw with this post.  I'm exposing some of my biggest failures as a mother.  I have put meaningless things above spending quality time with the most precious gifts that I have ever been given.  But I think it is something that almost all parents are guilty of.  It is hard to balance life sometimes.  And I didn't even realize I was doing it, until I had Warren. When I held his tiny body and I looked at my big boys it hit me.  They are so big now.  I didn't savor the time I had with them as babies.  I'm not soaking in the time I have with them now like I should.  I am not enjoying them the way I should be.  I need to unplug, hang up and go play legos.  I need to grab another book at bedtime and read it like it's the first time, not the 900th.  I need to not rush the bedtime prayers and let Zack thank God for every single person he has ever laid eyes on. I need to go see that picture he drew, because if I keep saying 'just a minute...' he may stop asking.  If I keep putting off that 2nd book at bedtime he may not ask me to read them tomorrow night.  There is a last time for every single stage of parenting, and many times we don't even realize it was the last time until it's over.  I don't remember the last time I rocked them to sleep because I was too busy trying to get them to fall asleep on their own. I didn't savor and relish that last rock, or smell their hair and drink in the sweet sweet smell of baby before they turned into little boys.

So I am officially making a New Year's Resolution. It isn't to lose this pregnancy weight, or start eating healthier.  Although, I need to do that too. But instead my resolution is to try and appreciate these days, no matter how stressful or overwhelming they may seem.  I want to play battleship with Eli and drag out 900 socks with Zack, because one day they won't want to do these things with me anymore. I will sit and hold Warren if that's what it takes for him to get a nap.  And I won't complain about getting up with him through the night, because these days are numbered. They are fleeting...slipping through my fingers like grains of sand never to be gotten back.

The New Normal

I have been a mom of 3 boys for 8 WHOLE WEEKS! It's been a little crazy at times, but I have to say this has been a smooth transition for us.  I have gotten more sleep that I was anticipating, so that is a nice surprise.  Warren has just fit right into our little house of chaos.  I should have a really long thought out blog post about his birth and first days.  But I don't really. His birth was a C-Section that was planned, and it all went smoothly.  So no crazy water breaking crazy story there.  I wanted to blog about how amazing the first few weeks of his life have been, but to be honest it's been so busy that I don't even know what to type.  I may ramble.

 He was born on September 18th.  He was a perfect 6lbs 8 oz and 18 inches.  I was pretty shocked at his small size, since my older boys were well over 8lbs.  There were 2 knots in his umbilical cord, which was the talk of the OR for a few minutes. I was too caught up in the moment to pay attention to the chatter going on.  But we were told more than once that we were lucky to be holding him, as knots can cause some serious complications.  I had my tubes tied while they were cleaning him up, which my doctor informed me was a good thing because my uterus was so thin he could see through it.  Having my tubes tied was a decision I wrestled a little bit with.  I worried I would regret it, but I feel very confident in that decision now knowing another pregnancy would be risky.

I had such high hopes of breastfeeding this little guy.  But after attempting to breastfeed my other boys and failing, I knew there was a chance it wouldn't happen.  But none the less, I proclaimed to the doctors and nurses that I was breastfeeding.  So when he was born we did the whole skin to skin thing in the Operating Room.  Which I did not get to do with my other boys, and it was amazing.  I loved being able to touch him and feel him when he was just minutes old.  Once I was moved into recovery we got right down to nursing.  He latched right on and we were doing great.  He wanted to eat pretty often and I was tolerating it well.  I had horrible pain with my others, but not with Warren.  Friday evening I mentioned to the nurses that he was wanting to nurse ALL.THE.TIME.  Like I could not put the boy down.  I also noticed that I was not able to express any colostrum like I had before. The nurse assured me that he was getting all that he needed.  So I let him nurse as much as he wanted.  As the evening went on we noticed that he became very jittery.  After his circumcision the pediatrician came in and told us that his sugar had dipped down into the 40s, which was 'borderline'.  She wanted to keep checking it throughout the night.  It didn't seem like a huge deal, so we nursed on.  After a couple more sugar tests we were informed that his sugar was not coming up at all.  I had told the night nurse my concerns with not getting any colostrum out, and she said he is getting it out even if I wasn't.  But after 3 failed glucose tests the pediatrician said to start supplementing.  So I started feeding him with a syringe first then I would let him nurse.  The supplementing seemed to be working.  So Saturday we were told that we would most likely get to go home.  We were hoping to be discharged around 2pm.  But Warren became very jittery and his sugar dropped to 34.  3 different pediatricians came to talk to me in a span of about 15 minutes.

They all wanted keep an eye on his sugar.  But before they even got a chance to check it again we were visited again and told that they were moving him to NICU so they could figure out what was going on.  Of course, I kind of lost it at that point.  I was a hot mess.  Dustin wasn't even in the room when I fell apart.  I had to call him to come back to the room.  We walked with the nurse as she wheeled our little boy up to the NICU and I sat in a chair while the team worked to try and get an IV in.  I was asked several times if I wanted to come back later once they had it in.  But I was pretty insistent that I was staying with my baby.  Every vein they tried failed. After what seemed like an eternity they finally got an IV going in his head.  By this point every bit of my pain meds had worn off. I was alone up in NICU at this point.  I had stayed as long as I could because of my pain.  I somehow walked back to my room, but I was hunched over by the time I made it to the nurses station and asked for my medicine.  I collapsed into my bed and cried.  I hated being in that empty room.  It was too quiet. After I rested and ate dinner we went back up to NICU to see how Warren was doing.  The nurse told us what all was being done for him.  He was severely dehydrated and his sugar was slowly coming up.  They had put him on a high calorie formula and started him off at 30cc's.  I wasn't able to nurse him because they wanted to keep track of how much he was getting for his glucose tests. So I was told to pump every 2-3 hours.  I stayed and held him for a long time.  I finally went back to my room for the night.  I didn't like it. But I got some much needed sleep. When we went back the next morning we were told that his sugar was staying in the 80s and he was doing much better. We were moved to a transition room later on Sunday evening and we were discharged on Monday around 12.

I was still wanting to breastfeed but at this point I was mostly pumping so we could make sure he was getting enough.  But my milk had not fully came in so he was still just getting formula. I was getting less than half an oz of breast milk from pumping.  I was just excited to see any milk to be honest.  I never had milk with my oldest and with my 2nd I got sick after having him and my milk dried up really quickly.  So once the pediatrician gave me the OK to try breastfeeding again we were back at it. I quickly found out that I was not producing enough for him.  He was not satisfied after nursing for what seemed like forever. I was having to give him a bottle after he nursed.  I read online how to increase my supply.  The next 4 weeks were insane. I tried everything.  Fenugreek, Mothers Milk Tea, Fennel Oil, Reglan, More Milk Plus....Power Pumping. You name it I probably tried it.  At 5 weeks PP I was only able to pump 2 oz at the most and that was only if I didn't nurse him.  If he nursed I wasn't able to get any extra out.  I had started just pumping and giving him formula and breast milk.  Pumping had taken over.  I spent more time with the pump than I did with my family.  When I realized how much time I was spending attached to a pump I decided to just stop. I have been grieving giving up the whole breastfeeding thing for a few weeks. I had really high hopes this time, as I knew it was my last time to try.  But I am finally getting out of this funk and moving forward.

Aside from the failure of breastfeeding, things have gone really really well.  He is a very chill baby.  He does like for me to hold him and just stare at him.  I try to soak every bit of him in as I know that this stage does not last long at all.  His big brothers are crazy about him and he is just such a wonderful little addition to our family.

The Things They Don't Tell You About Parenting.

I'm sitting in bed with my youngest little boy and watching disney jr.  Part of my heart feels like it's been ripped open, while the other part is happy that I get to snuggle with him.  Today was his first day of Kindergarten.  It's not even 2 p.m. and he's home.  His first day didn't go as well as we hoped.  He got so homesick and cried and cried to go home.  Which just rips my heart out.  Knowing that my baby was crying for me and I wasn't there cuts me to the core. Especially when this little boy has not had the easiest time in school anyways.

I'm pretty sure I could be the poster mom for having imperfect kids.  Neither of my boys have been what you would call 'typical'.  With my oldest having Asperger's and ADHD and my youngest being non verbal until he was 4...I have been through all the channels of special education and resource teachers and therapists.  It's been one crazy ride with these little boys.  When your pregnant for the first time no one warns you that you might have a child who is born completely healthy but struggle as they get older.  When people see my family out at a restaurant they see what appears to be a completely typical family.  They have no idea the challenges my babies have faced.  My boys appear to be like any other typical little boys.  They don't know that we have sat in therapy offices for multiple reasons. They aren't aware that for a good chunk of time we communicated with our youngest through sign language, or that my oldest can meltdown if the conditions change too quickly for his brain to process.  We appear to be typical.

And just when I think we may have crossed the hurdles that have challenged us for so long, something else is thrown into our path.  My oldest really has improved and while his days are far from perfect, he is doing pretty well.  He just started 1st grade and we are hoping that he has a great year.  We have an IEP in place for him with things put in place for him if he has a difficult time.  And then here sits my baby, who isn't really ready for Kindergarten, but we decided to try it anyways. He had 2 years of PreK, what else was there to do? I had him enrolled in a full time PreK for this year, it was a typical classroom.  He has never been in a typical classroom.  Because of his speech issues he was in a developmental preschool.  Which was AMAZING for him.  I fell in love with the school he attended and the teachers he had.  But I knew he wasn't really prepared for regular Kindergarten.  And today when I had to go get him early  my fears were confirmed.  I know a lot of people may say 'it was his first day...give it time', but even the teacher agrees that he isn't really ready.  He just turned 5 last month.  He has only been speaking for 1 year.  And in my heart I knew he should have had an extra year to mature a little.

So we had originally planned on him going to a PreK that was in with the City Schools.  I had even paid for his first week and they had him on their list. I met the teacher...toured the school.  I was informed before school let out of the summer that the School Board had changed the rules regarding PreK and kids who meet the cut off for Kindergarten can no longer attend City Preschools.  I was pretty upset at first.  But after a lot of venting and tears, I registered my baby for Kindergarten and told myself that everything would work out.  If he had to repeat Kindergarten then so be it. But now we are faced with deciding what to do with him for the rest of the year. Do we keep him in Kindergarten but opt for 1/2 days and without a doubt he will have to repeat Kindergarten. Or do we pull him out and put him in a private PreK.

These decisions no one tells you about. No one sits you down when your carrying your precious baby in your belly and tells you how unbelievably hard parenting can be.  They don't tell you how you will doubt the decisions you make or how much you'll regret ignoring your gut feeling.  They don't tell you that there will be days when your heart will feel absolutely crushed and nothing that anyone says will make it better.  Today seems to be one of those days.  These crazy pregnancy hormones are not helping at all.

Hello 3rd Trimester!

I am so thankful to be into this trimester! I must admit this whole 3rd trimester really came up quick.  Things have been going really great on the baby growing front. My belly is growing every week.  My heartburn seems to have calmed down as long as I don't eat huge meals at one time.  The only real complaint I have right now is the hip pain.  My hips feel like they may fall off at any given moment.  It's worse at night when I try to sleep.  But compared to the horrible symptoms of the 1st trimester...this is a walk in the park!

 I am loving my pregnant self right now.  I always grow a pretty big belly during pregnancy, and this one is no exception.  I am very round and I love it.  My belly isn't as pretty as it was with my boys, it's covered in stretch marks and hangs a bit lower this time. But this belly has grown some awesome little boys and I love it for that.  I may never wear a revealing bikini ever, but that went out the window after I had Eli.  :) Most days I feel pretty massive and I am getting to the uncomfortable stage, but I know how quickly my due date will come up, so I am trying to enjoy every moment.  I love feeling this little guy kick and move.  It's kind of bittersweet feeling it all. I know that this is our last baby and I won't feel these precious movements again after he gets here.  So I try to savor each one.




We did the 3D ultrasounds with both of our boys, so I thought we should do one this time. I went back and forth on whether or not we should do it. I finally made our appointment and we went to it today.  I have been dying to see this little guy's face.  And I mean who doesn't love an ultrasound?! We went after my regular doctors appointment.  I had the glucose test this morning, and had not ate much at all, so by the time we got to the ultrasound place I was so hungry.  Warren was pretty lazy and not amused by our attempts at getting a picture of him.  He kept trying to turn over and go to sleep. He also kept putting his hands up in his face.  But we finally mashed him enough to get him to cooperate a little! And he is such a cute little boy! I see a lot of his brothers' features in him. But I mostly see Eli in him.  It's pretty amazing to see such similarities between the 3 of them.

Baby Books...

So I held off on buying a baby book until today.  I have been meaning to pick one up for weeks because I have all of these ultrasound pictures and no where to put them.  I didn't want one too babyish or frilly, so I picked a light blue book.  It looked pretty plain and not too cutesy.  So I started flipping through it and I was quickly reminded of what a slacker I am.  I seriously think these book companies need to make baby books for NEW FIRST TIME MOMS and then one for 2nd time moms and then one for moms of more than 2 kids.  Because let's face it...after a couple of kids your not going to fill all that stuff out.

I mean most of the books out there are perfect for the first time moms.  I remember filling out each page for Eli's baby book. I wrote the letter to him while I was still pregnant and wrote all my feelings about his impending arrival.  I filled out many of the 'first milestones' and added lots of pictures of his first year.  Fast forward to when I had Zack.  I put all his ultrasound pictures inside the book...not actually where they were supposed to go I just stuck them in the book.  I filled out his name, weight and date of birth.  I filled out his first doctors visit info.  After that it's pretty bare.  I may have stuck a couple of pictures from his first days...like in the hospital.  So the books that are out there are fine for 1st and some 2nd time parents.  But there needs to be a very small thin book made for parents of more than 2 kids. This needs to just be a book with one of those little plastic zip lock envelopes to stick ultrasound pictures in and maybe a few pages to fill out about the birth.  Mainly 'Name, Date, Weight, Length'.  Nothing more really needs to be included because the chances that you'll actually remember or have time to fill it out is pretty slim.  I mean who has time to write down 'you first focused your eyes on.....'  What the heck...I don't even know how to tell when  a baby FOCUSES it's eyes. I mean I'm not actually looking thru their eyes. And I really don't remember when either of my kids 'grasped an object' for the first time. Who has the time or memory for this stuff?! I mean those firsts are very sweet and lovely if you remember them. But juggling more than 2 kids...your memory starts slipping. At the moment I only have 2 to take care of and my memory SUCKS.  I can't even remember SNACK day for my kindergartner and they send home a calendar to remind me.

This book I bought...it's pretty much setting me up for failure. :)