Bidding Farewell to the 1st Trimester...

I am still here. My blogging life has taken a hiatus as I have been either puking or lying in the bed whining about feeling like I may puke at any moment.  In between those wonderful activities I have been going to school and driving my 2 crazies to all their appointments.  Exhausted isn't even a word that can describe how I have felt lately.  But alas, all of this is paying off.  I am in my 12th week of pregnancy and I am nearing the end of this dreadful first trimester.  I really don't want to complain about it too much, because I am thankful to still be carrying this little baby.  With every bout of morning sickness comes a bit of relief because in the back of my mind I hear 'your still pregnant...puking is a good sign.'

With my first pregnancy I didn't understand the gratefulness for pregnancy symptoms.  I just knew I felt bad.  It wasn't until I lost our baby that I missed waking up sick.  So, for all the times I have felt horrible this time around...I am very very thankful.  We had our last ultrasound at 8wks 5days.  The baby had a wonderful heartbeat at 174.  I am going back to the dr this thursday for my 13wk checkup.  Nothing too exciting though.  If I remember right, it's just to hear the heartbeat on the doppler :)  I am looking forward to hearing it though, as it always eases my mind a bit.  This is a scary time for me during a pregnancy. I wasn't much further along than this when I started to miscarry our first baby.  Most people will say your 'out of the woods' once you hit 13 weeks, but I don't ever feel that way until I can feel the baby moving pretty regularly.  I try not to stress too much tho and just put my trust in my Father's hand.


Enough about the pregnancy.  We took the boys to the wilderness over spring break, and had a great time together. Eli tried a lot of new things and that always makes me happy.  Getting him to try new things can be very challenging but he is doing so well.  I also signed Eli up for an art class that meets on Wednesdays after school.  I took him 2 weeks ago. I just sent him in and took Zack outside to play.  When it was time I went in and got him and we left.  A week later the teacher called me to tell me that if I wanted to continue to bring him that I would have to stay in there with him.  FIRST...I understand her point of view. I really really do.  But it also felt like someone punched me in the stomach at first.  Eli has not been able to play any sports or do any kinds of 'normal' activities.  He is not in any school programs.  He does not go to VBS because he can't handle the craziness of it all without melting down.  I thought an Art class would be perfect for him because he loves to draw and do crafts.  But he is also hard to get to focus, especially when he is excited.  So I do see where the teacher is coming from. But it didn't keep me from bawling.  It's just one more reminder that he does not fit in.  There are times that I feel like we are doing well and we a completely normal family.  Then something happens and I am reminded that we can't always do 'normal' activities with him.  And it isn't a great feeling.  I haven't decided whether or not I want to take him back.

Pregnancy Week # ?????

I am so confused on what week of pregnancy I am on. According to all the cute little tickers I should be on my 7th week. But my last ultrasound was iffy on the dates. So I won't really know until my next appointment. It's a little frustrating to say the least. But this post is not about that. It is more about how miserable I feel right now. I know .... I shouldn't complain.  All of these hellish I mean wonderful symptoms are a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.  But I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like a wimp. I mean this isn't my first pregnancy. I have done this before...several times before. This is my 5th pregnancy....FIVE.  I should not be this phased by these crazy hormones.  But I am.  I am so sick. I am so emotional...I find myself getting absolutely furious over the craziest things.  I am in a constant annoyed state of my messy house, but I feel too bad to actually do anything about it.

Here are my symptoms listed in the order in which they suck:

1. Nausea...this is not your normal morning sickness. I am sick from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning until I pass out at night time.

2. Bloated.  I look like I'm 6 months pregnant....my baby is the size of a sunflower seed. NOT amused.

3. Emotional.  Don't get me started *sniff*

4. My boobs HURT.  I believe they may just fall off.

5. My hair is FALLING OUT. What is that all about?

6. Acne.....on my back. Last I checked I wasn't 15. So what gives?!



I don't think I am 'glowing' just yet LOL I pretty much look like death every day! But really...I am so happy to feeling this crappy. I know that if I wasn't having these symptoms I'd be worried to death that something was wrong.  I am still worried about it, just because I'm so early and so many things can happen.  But the nausea is keeping me distracted from letting my mind wander to all those scary thoughts! I can't wait to see how much this baby has grown. My next appt is on the 18th, and I am hoping this next week flies by.

I'm Trusting.

It has been such a roller coaster of a day. I have been so nauseated all day.  I had my first ultrasound for this pregnancy.  I should be elated.  And I am happy. I got to get a glimpse at the little life that is growing inside of me. I was so blessed to see a tiny little flickering heartbeat.  It was tiny, but gives me so much hope.  With each pregnancy I worry about the very real possibility of miscarriage.  Once you have been down that path it's hard not to worry.  It's even harder when you have done it twice.  Seeing the heartbeat does ease my mind a lot. I am trying my hardest not to let my mind wander.  My baby is tiny. Much smaller than I thought it would be. I should have been 6 weeks and 1 day but the computer wouldn't even give an estimate.  I am hoping that I am just earlier than I thought.  I get to go back in a couple of weeks and have another ultrasound. I know my God is able to do mighty things.

Here on the potter's wheel, 
I find myself once more, 
My faults and frailties Bring me here just like before, 
With strong and loving hands The pressure is applied, 
Oft times I tremble as He puts me thru the fire
 I'll trust the potter's hands, He knows what's best for me, 
He has a perfect plan These human eyes can't see, 
He's the potter; I'm the clay, 
He knows just how much I can take,
 When I face the fire again I'll trust the potter's hands 


http://christiansongoftheday.blogspot.com/2012/07/ill-trust-potters-hands.html#sthash.4VSu5Z4B.dpuf

Big News.

So we are expecting #3!!! We are so excited to be having another baby.  Our boys are getting so big and it will be so much fun to have a little one again.  I have had blood work done and we are going on the 30th for an ultrasound.  So much excitement going on here.  But also lots of things to think about. We are starting to figure out about bedrooms and where to put everyone to sleep.  I also am doing an mental inventory of the baby items that I still have.  Just a lot of thinking of what we may need.  All of this I expected. What I didn't expect was the reaction from people that I have gotten.

I kind of expected people to be a little more candid about their shock/disapproval. LOL Most of the people who know us are happy, or at least can pretend to be.  I get it...3 kids is probably more than other people think we should have. I know I just have to get tougher skin and I am. It's a slow process.  But it started growing over the last 2 years while dealing with Eli's issues.    

But I am happy.  I cannot wait to have another newborn to love on. I have always wanted a 3rd child.  I have said in the past that I was done having kids. But I blame a lot of that on how I let other people's opinions affect me.  It is easy to say 'ignore them' but to actually do it is much harder. It's hard to ignore the stares and shaking heads.  For the first 5 years of my parenting experience I got to hear everyone's opinion on what I was doing wrong with Eli.  How I should stop his behaviors.  I let the stares and whispers of others make me feel like less of a parent.  Once I stopped letting the stares bother me I started to feel more confident as a mother. Once I learned to pull Eli aside and zone out the rest of the world while I dealt with his meltdowns, I learned how to listen to my child's needs.  I was not always able to fix whatever was bothering him. But I learned from them.  I started to notice when and what triggered them.  I stopped caring what other people thought of us.  And it was amazing how much higher I was able to hold my head when we would walk out of a movie theater that he had previously freaked out in.

I also started accepting help.  I realize that I am only one person. And sometimes it's okay to ask someone for help when nothing I have done has worked.  Sometimes people will surprise you.  I have to mention having a great support system helps as well.  My strongest support has came from therapists, teachers, counselors and doctors...who all hold a special place in my heart.  These are the people who sat with me while I cried and begged for their guidance.  They are the ones who told me there is some hope and that my situation was not hopeless.  Sometimes I look back and think of how crazy I must have looked at an initial intake with mascara running down my face and puffy eyes. But I was blessed with amazing therapists and all.  They didn't call me crazy.  They didn't patronize me.  They took my concerns seriously and gave me ideas of how to cope with what we were dealing with.  For that I am so thankful. They didn't look down on me or call me a bad parent.  They saw me, a mom who was desperately trying to figure out how to help her child.

And friends who see past the meltdowns and quirkiness of my Eli.  Instead they see him...they see a kid who just experiences this world a little differently and they see me, a mom who is trying just like them to raise her child the best that I know how.  I am so thankful for the amazing friends who keep having play dates with us even when the last one didn't go so well.  The friends who I can call and just rant to about anything. These friendships keep me sane.

*sigh* I am not perfect. I lose my cool pretty much everyday.  I don't always keep my patience with my boys. My husband is witness to that.  But I love them with everything in me.  And we are so happy and thankful for this pregnancy.  We cannot wait to meet the child that God has blessed us with.  So YAY...another little person to celebrate and love. Who wouldn't be happy about that?!

'Dance With Me!'

My days all pretty much start out the same. I have to drag myself out of bed, after hitting the snooze button on my phone 2 times, then make Eli's breakfast which contains his medications.  I then have to pack his lunch and pick out clothes for both boys.  Somewhere in all the chaos of our mornings I manage to slip away and dress myself and sometimes even put on makeup.  We usually run out the door as I am yelling 'HURRY UP! WE ARE LATE! PUT YOUR SHOES ON! GRAB YOUR COAT, ITS FREEZING OUTSIDE.'  I swear that we will never make it to school on time, but we usually do.

This morning was no different. I didn't really have any time to spare.  I was standing in my closet looking for a shirt to wear when I heard the bathroom door slide open.  There I stood in a pair of jeans and a bra, and Zack came busting in.  "DANCE with ME Mommy!!' he yelled.  I almost scolded him for interrupting my few moments of solitude on this Wednesday morning.  Until I saw his big smile.  He was so excited.  I grabbed his hands and we wobbled back and forth while he laughed.  Those few seconds were precious.  He didn't care that I was half dressed and my muffin top stomach was over the top of my jeans.  he was just happy to dance with his mommy.  For a few seconds time stopped.  A little boy, with a chocolate pudding covered face, lit up my morning.  These little bits of spontaneity are what make parenting...life worth it all.  If it wasn't for moments like that I might just quit.  But these keep me going.  After we finished our wobbly waltz and said 'I LOVE YOU MOMMY! Your my Princess!'

This is what life is.  This is what matters. Not how clean our houses are or how crafty of a pinterest mom we can be.  It doesn't even matter if you can make your elf do some elaborate magic trick.  It matters that we take the little moments that our kids give us and we indulge in them.  Was I running behind this morning? Yes.  My first instinct was to shoo him out of my closet and scold him for coming in the bathroom without knocking.  I am so glad I stopped myself and enjoyed a little moment with him.  We weren't even late getting to school.

Time to Give Thanks

I love Thanksgiving.  It's such a great holiday with great food and a break from the normalcy of school and work.  This year I have been thinking of where I was a year ago.  I was facing a lot last year.  We had Eli on a waiting list to see a specialist and we didn't know what to expect.  I was hearing from every single therapist who worked with him that he displayed a lot of signs of Asperger's.  And that scared me to death.  I didn't know how we would handle this.  But as much as I counted on a diagnosis for him, it really didn't change anything.  Not like you would think.  Eli is still my little boy, who I love with everything in me.  He is still him.  With his diagnosis came positive things though.  We are able to get him therapies we couldn't before.  The school is working with us and him to make his transitions easier.  I have heard from so many parents 'I don't want to label my child...'  And while I understand that, I also see what positive things have came from getting the correct diagnosis for Eli.  He has come such a long way.  A year ago if you told me that he would be thriving in kindergarten and making friends like he is, I wouldn't have believed it.  I am so thankful for the progress Eli has made.

A year ago, Zack was still not talking.  I was worried that we would never hear him talk like his brother.  The progress he has made is amazing.  He is talking in sentences, paragraphs.  The boy never stops talking now.  He asks us questions constantly.  It is so amazing to hear the simple little things that he says. Something as simple as 'I like Butterflies.'  Brought me to tears.  So you can imagine how I reacted when he hugged, kissed me and said 'your the best mommy in the whole world!'  Yeah...it was a little more than tears.  Hearing him voice what he does and does not like is such an amazing blessing.  One that I took for granted with Eli.  He talked from an early age, so I didn't savor the little sentences and phrases like I have with Zack.  I am so thankful for the gift of his voice.

So to say that I have blessed this year may be an understatement.  This year has been amazing.  I know all this comes from my God and Savior.  He has heard my cries and prayers for both of my boys.  What an amazing God that I serve.  Happy Thanksgiving to you all :)

Sleep....Who Needs That?!

That is pretty much my 6 year olds philsophy.  He just simply does not require a lot of sleep to function. You would think that after 6 years that I would be used to this craziness. But I am not. I really REALLY require sleep to even begin to function in society.  And I am a really bad mom when I don't get it.

On the nights my kid gets me up at 2,3 or 4am I turn on Spongebob *gasp* and I allow him to eat and do whatever he wants....just as long as he lets me snooze on the couch and promises to only wake me up if there is a fire. Yep, slacker mom of the year. But honestly, I wish I had like $1 for every time someone asks why I just don't 'make him go back to sleep.'

Bwahahahahaha...did you know that without having an antesieologist in my house....it is actually impossible to force another human being back to sleep?  I am sure there are some other methods used by criminals...but I am just a mom. The strongest substance I would use is benedryl.  And I have my reservations about that.  So instead, I try to get him to lay back down and 99% of the time that fails and I give into spongebob and food.

It is really unfair. Not only do I deal with the chaos during the awake hours of the day that comes with raising a child with ADHD and Aspergers. But I also get this awesome little gift. Because did you know that this crap is actually NORMAL for kids with both ADHD and Aspergers?! Eli's brain actually does not make enough melatonin like mine. Which only makes me feel worse when I lose my cool with him at 4 am. Because it really isn't something that he can control.

And that just makes me upset. My kid didn't ask for all of this. He didn't ask to have ADHD or Aspergers.  It is frustrating to see him struggle with every day things, but even more so that it effects something so simple as his sleep.  I know that one day this will not be that important.  When he is grown I probably will not remember the nights he kept me up....all friggin night. Instead I will remember all the challenges he overcame. 

So I guess I will just turn Spongebob on and give him the bowl of Halloween candy, so I can go to sleep!!