Can I just start out by saying that I am exhausted. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Exhausted. There were a few weeks ago where I felt like I had my shit together and life was going OK. But like all good things that came to an end. Life is still OK. It's fine. I am just processing everything. Life is moving fast and things need to be planned and I feel like I am drowning. I don't even know where to begin. The past 2 weeks have been so full of information and unsettled feelings. I just don't even know how to process it all.
Eli has been miserable this year at school. He knows that he is different. We didn't tell him. We have never sat down and said 'you have a condition called Asperger's Syndrome oh and ADHD and SPD and OCD...' Nope, we have never done that. Mainly because I have never wanted him to feel like something is wrong with him. Because nothing IS wrong with him. He is exactly who God intended him to be. Nothing caused all that he is. No vaccine or medication or something I ate while pregnant. He is exactly the individual that he was meant to be. But he is different than most 9 year old little boys. And his peers are noticing. Now, I cannot be too harsh on his peers. My child is not the easiest kid to get along with. He can be downright rude at times without even realizing it. A lot of his reactions he cannot control. He often feels so bad about his inability to control his impulses that he will just cry over what he has done. It is heartbreaking at times. It is also challenging as a parent to not box him up and ship him to china during some of his meltdowns. So, a lot of the negative feedback he gets at school is just how the kids react to his negative words and behaviors. I have never said my kiddo was a saint. He is a very sweet boy who has challenges every single day. What comes easily to most kids is an on going battle for him. It takes effort for him to just stay in his seat during class. It takes medication to even make that achievable. So all of his comments about school made me start looking into other options for him. It has been a daunting task to say the least.
I started with a tour of a small private school. I could see my son excelling there. I can also see some downsides to it as well. I haven't told him about this school yet because I don't want him to get his heart set on going there. There is already a waiting list. So onto school #2. This school is different. It's a 30 minute drive from our house and out of state. It also comes with a price tag of $11,000 tuition per year. I flinched a bit when the price was laid out in front of me. But I was not ready to mark it off the list just because of that. This school is not just a school. It is a place where he would receive ABA therapy. He would would,instead of receiving accommodations, learn to do the difficult things. He would get OT in school. There would be trained therapists on site to help him during a meltdown. The facilities were almost brand new and so nice. The kids there were very bright. The academic program was challenging. Eli would be challenged in so many ways. I could see it as a place that would prepare him for life, not just to get through school. I was not completely sold on this one either. I want him around typical peers too. And he would be here. But the majority of the students here were all over the spectrum. This was a school that was designed for those who learn differently. His education would be tailored to his grade level. It was structured and strict. The rules were not made to be bend. I could see him doing well here and I could see a whole shit storm of meltdowns too.
So with the realization that moving him into a private school may be the best option at this point, I had to look at the financial side. A friend of mine told me about the IDEA IEA act. This is basically a program that gives families with kids who have qualifying disabilities funds to attend a private school. There is more to it than just that. But in a nutshell if your kiddo is in a public school and you don't feel like their needs are being met you have the option of putting them in private school, and the state will help pay for it. That made that $11,000 tuition seem a little more attainable. When I got to digging more into the details I learned 2 things. #1 the school could not be out of state. #2 Eli's diagnosis of Asperger's does not qualify, because that is no longer an actual diagnosis. His pediatrician has already referred him for a full re-evaluation to get his diagnosis updated to 'High Functioning Autism". But the appointment will be several months out. I need something done sooner to apply for this grant from the state. I view things like this at road blocks. And they make me want to scream. But we must move forward.
Can I talk about the interview I took Eli to? I feel like this needs to be put out there. Most days I feel like Eli appears like any other kid. I mean he is my normal. I know nothing else. What looks awkward and weird to others is just what I think is normal for my child. But when I took him for this interview at this school his challenges were on full display. We were walking in and he said 'I AM NOT GOING TO THIS SCHOOL! I REFUSE TO GO TO A SCHOOL IN A DIFFERENT STATE THAN I LIVE!' I know not to challenge him at this moment. I told him we were just exploring all options. We get in the office and sit down across from the headmaster. She was very nice, polite and professional. She talked to me for a while. Then she turned her focus to Eli, who had sat quietly for quite some time. She asked him to tell her about his friends at school. And his response was hard to hear. He said 'Well, sometimes they laugh at me because I am not good at the stuff they are good at. Like soccer.' She asked him if he enjoyed playing soccer and he said 'I used to. But no one ever passes me the ball so I quit.' She then asked him who his best friends were at school. He perked up and said 'Adam is my best friend! But sometimes I get mad at him. So I have 2 back ups. Austin is my first backup, he lives in Georgia. And Audy is my other backup and he lives in Florida.' I instantly felt my throat tighten and my eyes sting. Adam lives down the street from us and comes to our house after school. And Eli does see him occasionally at school. But Austin is a child that he has met maybe 3 times in his whole life. We see Audy once a year. These are not kids he sees very often. It just broke this mama's heart. I thought he was doing better and things were getting easier for him. The headmaster loved Eli and expressed how much she would love to have him attend their school.
I have not toured any others yet. I don't know if I am mentally prepared for it just yet. I know I need to. I need to make a plan for him. I need backups in case he doesn't get in our first choice. And it is an unbelievably exhausting thing to do. I spent most of the day today talking to psychologists and counselors about his diagnosis and how to get it changed. The $6,000 from the state could help us tremendously with tuition costs. His diagnosis being re-coded could help him get back in some therapies that he NEEDS to be in. While he is in public school he needs things added to his IEP. He needs social stories to learn to interact with other kids. He needs to have his IQ tested. There are so many things that need to be done. I am tired. The past 2 weeks have me beaten down. I know I'll find the energy somewhere but not today.
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